AITA for telling my boyfriend his mum has lived her life?

  1. This 100%. Everything is perfect for him. If you have to try to convince someone to spend more time with you on your terms then the writing is on the wall with this relationship.

  2. Exactly, mom needs to live her life! BF sounds like he is using cats as an excuse to be lazy/get you to his house. Cats can do several days without someone there if food/water/litter box prepped.

  3. Not every cat is the same! My cat would eat all of the food almost immediately. So to say that he can just leave the cats for the weekend without knowing what the cats are like isn't right.

  4. Am I the only one that thinks maybe the boyfriend is uncomfortable with her living situation since at his house they will be alone? For me it's NAH gosh talk about why he doesn't like to stay too long at your place. Y'all just need to sit down and understand where each is coming from that's it.

  5. Yes, this. OP, you are not being inconvenienced by your bf’s mother’s social life. You are being inconvenienced by your boyfriend himself. Make your choices accordingly.

  6. Right? Like I feel like this is really solvable by just not going to his house every weekend. Don't argue about why he won't come to you, OP, just, "Sorry, I'm busy."

  7. I don't think mom is the AH if she's out of the loop with what's going on but the only opinion I have is her son is a grown adult and it sounds like she might be relying on him to take care of the cats. (I have 2 cats and hate the idea of them being alone for over 24 hours because mine are super social and dont want them to be sad. Maybe once for a special occasion but not regulary) Cats live like over 15 years so what was the plan here? He lives with her forever to always watch them when she goes away? If he's starting a serious relationship he's going to move out so it's time to start thinking about the future. OPs bf needs to have a talk with his mom and start an arrangement but it's not reasonable for him to give up his every weekend to watch the pets. Even if they got them together, pets are a joint effort and this is what 2 adults living together do, make compromises.

  8. Everything said here can't be improved upon. You've nailed every problem exactly and why it's the problem. I just want to reinforce this answer.

  9. Agree. Boyfriend has built his own trap/prison and his responses are what he just tells himself. He doesn't realize that it's a bit warped.

  10. I want to add that while yes it's okay for anyone of any age to have a social life and have fun, it's still reasonable to think they can/should adjust their schedule occasionally for family/loved ones/people they share a home with, regardless of age.

  11. yeah - was very confused at the fake lie of not being able to leave the cats. It isn't a dog. You can leave enough food for 3 days and a large bowl of water and some will be left when you come back. Mostly bf is TA but suggesting his mom stay in isn't the right approach. So slight ESH and bf stinks the most.

  12. I don't agree with your conclusion on the cats. I'm betting at least one of the cats is an AH personally, most cats are. That's not a criticism of cats, in fact it's why they have my up most respect and love.

  13. Let's hope your cats don't get stuck somewhere dangerous or get outside or someone breaks into your house or they accidentally dump out all the water or all the other reasons why you shouldn't just leave your animals alone for days at a time.

  14. If its just one cat... Or 4 kittens ofc it will be sad to leave them alone. They have 4 adult cats. They will be having their own cat party without anyone at home. It's definitely an excuse. So your bf sucks. Sit and talk with him. Find what his actual problem is. Why is he using cats as an excuse is what you need to know.

  15. Is OP blaming the mother though? It seems she's just wanting her BF to ask his mom to watch the cats on occasion so he can spend time with her, which isn't a huge ask typically. The way she worded it was a little rough but it doesn't seem (at least to me) like she's saying the mom's social life should end because she's old.

  16. All of this. If they are super duper worried about the cats being on their own for one or two nights they could also buy an auto feeder and a water fountain. Cats are much less work than dogs and can be left for several days at a time as long as there's sufficient food & water, litter has been scooped, etc. (Cats with special medical needs excluded of course.)

  17. I just had to add that in some countries it's against the law to leave your pet alone for more than 24h. And every pet and pet owner is different so you can't really say for sure that what you do would suit these cats and the boyfriend in question. Just because your cats survive the weekend alone does not mean that they had a happy and stress-free weekend.

  18. I agree with everything but the cat part. I rescued two littermates at a shelter with the same mindset you did about their self reliance. Both have severe separation anxiety, & simple weekends away have resulted in UTIs, respiratory infections, eye infections, & peeing outside the litter box. The stress of my short term absence is too much for them based on their previous home. They’ve been to multiple vets, but overall the only thing that works is being home as much as possible. A lot of cats are self reliant & independent, but definitely not all of them. OP also hasn’t noted the health of the cats. For all we know one is diabetic or has kidney problems. In that case they can’t be left for over 24 hours.

  19. The only thing I'd add to this is he has passed the buck off on his mom with the whole: she's busy so I can't (whether she is or is not) which has then opened the door for the mom to be a focus when the mom has done nothing wrong. OP has fallen for that bait. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his laziness and disinterest in the relationship and the work that has to be put in from his side. But OP should focus her ire on his as he's the biggest issue (not mom).

  20. All of this! I have 3 cats. You can definitely leave them alone for a couple days without issue, as long as they have food and water. They're not like dogs that need to be watched or let out of the house to go to the bathroom (which is a big reason why I don't have a dog but have cats even though I also love dogs).

  21. Or maybe there's another reason he doesn't want to go to OP's place? Could be he doesn't get on with the roommates or something.

  22. Exactly. I think the real issue is that this guy just doesn't want to take the time to come see OP and this has nothing to do with his mom or the cats.

  23. NTA but this isn’t about the cats or his mom. Cats be easily be left alone for a night, or two (or even three). Your bf is using them as an excuse for not staying at yours. Maybe he’s in a routine. Maybe he’s not into making an effort for you. Either way, you’re not a priority

  24. This. He has made it clear that you aren't important enough for him to make any effort. I have a three cats. I adore them. I can easily leave them for a night or two to go out of town. It's a flimsy excuse.

  25. This isn’t about his mum. Her life is not over, she’s not done socialising and she can do as she wants. Good for her being 60 and still having fun.

  26. There's also no indication the mum is asking the boyfriend to stay home with the cats. It sounds like that's all his own initiative.

  27. Cats shouldn't be left at home for days. They are independent, but the fact that they can use a litter box doesn't mean they can't get hurt or get sick and need help. People keep talking like this and it's incredibly irresponsible.

  28. Thanks first of all for the really long comment. I did ask as well what will happen when he moves out because we've been talking about living together for a long time. He said he wouldn't know, he can't predict the future, and doesn't want to imagine his elderly mother being home alone.

  29. Mom may not be specifically asking for him to watch cats, or even expect him to. Sounds like it’s a BF problem and he’s using cats as an excuse to not go to her house. Cats can be unattended for a weekend.

  30. That specifically was the one thing I asked judgement one, so I'll accept the YTA judgement. I do want to add though, I did specifically say to boyfriend as well that I love his mum and that she isn't the issue, but his unwillingness to possibly inconvenience anyone except for me. In any case, thanks for the honest response.

  31. This is solid advice. Keep your fun weekend plans in your city and if he wants to join, he can. Stop prioritizing a guy that prioritizes his cats over you.

  32. YTA in answer to your question, I hope my daughter doesn't suggest I've lived my life when I'm 60! Eesh, better get living before I'm too old! I know some 60 year olds who still go to festivals and nightclubs! However, for the overall situation you aren't the A H. With a relationship comes compromise and it seems very one sided. Are they exclusively your boyfriends cats? It's up to your boyfriend to address the cat sitting situation with his mum, the cats shouldn't limit his life so much, but that's his choice. Would you just not see each other if you decide not to do the travel?

  33. No kidding. I am in my 60s. I still work full time, and I don't have a cane yet. My mom is 86 and takes care of my stepdad who is 83. They are both retired, but they still go visit friends and go out to eat with their group. My dad is 90, has one hand, lives independently, and he still works his farm, though not as much as he did 10 years ago. People have some strange ideas about older people, but then sometimes, when you are looking out from your 20s, 60s seems on the brink of death.

  34. ESH except his mom. You shouldn’t have said that about his mom. That’s an incredibly crappy take to have about somebody and he’s justified in being mad.

  35. This is not your BF's mother's fault. If your BF wants to visit you at your house more often, he needs to communicate that clearly with his mother so they can make whatever arrangements are appropriate for the cats.

  36. YTA - But only because you took a swing at his mom, implying that she doesn't need to have a social life for your sake and that she should just settle down in her very old age of 60yrs(!!!, seriously, wtf!?), instead of realizing you and BF might not be compatible.

  37. YTA both of you actually. You don't have a right to decide what the mom does with her life regardless of whatever you think her life was like at your age. You don't want the mom to stay home to help him out you want her to do it so that he has to travel to you instead of you traveling to him.

  38. I do think she's oblivious and would probably be very much okay with staying home for a weekend for him to come. I realise from other comments I was out of line, but truthfully I wanted to get at him and not actually insult / involve his mum.

  39. ESH except for the mother. OP, maybe consider that your bf is using the cats as an excuse because he’s too lazy to want to visit at your home? “I have to stay home and feed the cats” is right up there with “I have to stay home and wash my hair” as a substitute for ”I don't want to.”

  40. or it could just be that an enpty house is much better to hang out in then one that has two other guys living in it

  41. YTA - this is a harsh thing to say, especially about a woman you supposedly like. Also, if he's 26 and living at home, aren't they just as much his cats as they are hers? Makes sense he wouldn't want to leave them.

  42. Your comment was rude imo. Saying she's lived her life makes it sound like she's 90 and should just stay home. As for her making sacrifices for your convenience, I can see why this didn't go over well with your bf. Maybe he doesn't want to go to your place with the two male roommates, maybe it makes him uncomfortable. Maybe his first priority is his mom, which is commendable. YTA for the comment

  43. I get what you’re saying, but just popped into say my mom lived to 86 and up until 3 months before she died, her grandchildren in their 20s couldn’t keep up with her. LOL

  44. Honestly this sub is so over the place. I thought we didn't like mummy's boys, now it's commendable for him to put his mum first and not make any effort to see his SO for 6 months? The comment was clearly made in anger and a bit heated, her anger shouldn't be really directed at the mum given she herself has said mum would be fine to accommodate her son visiting, but he fooled her into it really by making this argument about mum when it clearly is about how little effort he wants to put in. And he's using his mum as an excuse, which is not commendable at all. OP, come on, do you really believe that the cats would not be fine alone overnight? Cats are much more independent than dogs. NTA but a bit naive if you let him tell you that him not seeing you is to accommodate mum.

  45. YTA, which is a shame because you had a very reasonable point, but then ugly true colors showed. To even think that way let alone say it, is ridiculous. One day you'll be in your 60s and I guarantee if someone said that to you in your 60s, you'd feel just as insulted as if they said it to you in your 20s. You don't change into a different species when you get older. You're exactly the same person inside as you were when you're young, wanting to see friends and have a social life. What an offensive point of view. I'm not even anywhere near that age and I know this.

  46. Exactly!! When I was younger, I had a friend who turned 40. I asked him what 40 felt like. He told me "I feel like I'm 19, just really beat up". I'm now in my 50's and I still haven't found a better description. I don't know what an "old person" feels like, but I sure don't feel "old".

  47. Ewww. YTA. Who are you to decide someone has lived their life and had their fun? If BF was worried about the situation he’d make other arrangements for the cats, but his mother is not obligated to sacrifice any part of the life she’s still living to accommodate you. She might sacrifice for her son, but it appears he doesn’t feel the need to ask.

  48. ESH. Your comment was out of line and you should apologize for that. However relationships are equal give and take and it seems your bf isn’t giving equally to the relationship. He probably enjoys getting the place to himself when his mom is gone but likes having you visit too. He might not feel comfortable staying with you and your roommates but these are sacrifices one should make in relationships.

  49. He’s really just not that into you. Cats can absolutely stay a night or even two by themselves in home. He’s making no effort to see you. It’s not his mom’s fault your bf is making no effort. ESH

  50. Soft ESH. While it's unfair to you to make all the traveling and not to have him at your place more than you want, the way you came across the issue would put you as half TA, to tell him his mom "already lived a social life and thus doesn't need to be going out at her age". Many people at that age still enjoys an active social life. Rather than spiraling into how it's unfair and all, maybe ask your boyfriend if he could settle things out with his mom and come to an agreement (like every other weekend someone stays home). If he's not wanting to do at least that, find another person to watch or feed the cats, or if the mom isn't willing to sacrifice every other weekend so her son can have a relationship, then it may be time to rethink about where you stand in all of this.

  51. ESH. You already know you shouldn’t have used that wording, but I can’t blame you for getting frustrated. Your boyfriend refuses to make the drive to your place so you have to drive three hours round-trip every time you want to see him. Dump him. He’s not an equal partner to you and it has nothing to do with his mom or the cats.

  52. YTA for drawing his mom into an argument that really has nothing to do with her. She's not the one preventing bf from coming over. He clearly just doesn't want to and you clearly can't accept that.

  53. You are the A hole ONLY because of the words you used. You're definitely right in sayin she should be willing to sacrifice. Maybe they each have a weekend to do what they want.

  54. gentle ESH — 1) your bf should learn to make some compromises, because you guys are dating, and that’s what a relationship is about 2) you shouldn’t blame his mother for his actions (it’s not her fault that he doesn’t want to compromise), and you did put it in a harsh way

  55. I’m a little confused on why the cats can’t be left alone for a night. Cats are usually self sufficient animals. I’m also certain if he declared he was leaving for the night, him and his mother could come up with some accommodations for said cats. Sounds like there’s a bigger issue.

  56. My question as to why he doesn't want to leave food out for the cats and come for a night: "Because I don't want to" and considers it neglect.

  57. YTA for the comment about the mum. She is living her life and does not sound like she is asking him to take her responsibilities. Leave his mother out of it and have a conversation about it for having a concern you are doing most the compromise is correct but you did not go round it the same way.

  58. ESH. You don't have any say in what his mum should do. But you're right expect him to make more effort. Or at least find the real reason why he doesn't want to visit. Does he like your roommates? Do you get privacy there? Is it comfy?

  59. One of my roommates has been in Thailand for months, and the other holes up in his room most of the time. There's no interaction between him and roommates except for a quick hello.

  60. ESH but mostly you. You’re TA for making a dig at his mom when she hasn’t done anything wrong. You said she’s very sweet/nice and that he’s the one who won’t talk with her about staying home so why even say that? I hope at 60 you’ve done everything you ever wanted to do because apparently you shouldn’t go out after that.

  61. INFO: how long have you guys been dating? I feel like he has made zero effort over the past 6 months and you should find someone who not only wants to be with you but will actively try and make that happen. I’d seriously ask him if he even wants this relationship

  62. nta if he really wanted to he would make time for you .... honestly you are not much of a priority to him maybe its time to find someone who will make you more of a priority he will always put you last

  63. NTA. Cats can be left on a weekend with self-waterers and self-feeders. There's something keeping your BF away from your house, and he hasn't been honest with you about what it is.

  64. INFO: are you sure he is comfortable staying the weekend with you and your two male roommates? Maybe he feels there will be more privacy at his home, especially since his mother is away. I don't think attacking his mother was the way to go about it. Maybe you should have tried a mature adult conversation.

  65. NTA yeah, your comment was very rude, but He seriously doesn’t want to see you to look after cats?? His mother is irrelevant here. They are cats. Unless he is gone for a week they won’t give a shit. Again, they are cats. He just doesn’t want to visit you

  66. You and your boyfriend need a compromise but that doesn't mean his mom should cut her activities because "she had her youth", at this age she can't do whatever she wants because she doesn't have to take care for anyone but herself, or maybe the cats but I assume she watches them on weekdays, so ESH except his mom.

  67. Thanks for the comment. I of course don't want her to do that, but I can totally see that the way I phrased it makes it look that way. After many comments, I realise that what I said was mean and entitled.

  68. NTA but I think everyone misses the point. The problem isn't his mother's social life or unwillingness to compromise it but rather it seem that he cares more for the stupid cats than he does for you. Huge red flag in my opinion. You don't mention in your post who actually owns the cats ; him or his mother? If it's him, then I think you have a serious problem in that he prefers cats to you. If it's her, then he needs to understand that his mother can do whatever she wants when she wants but the cats are not his responsibility. If he can't fathom that, then again, huge red flag.

  69. It seems like he doesn’t want to make the effort to see you for some reason and is using his mom/cats as an excuse. He might not see the traveling worth it to visit you since public transport can be a headache for 1.5 hours. However, he should be making the effort to see you despite all the above. It appears you are more into him than he is into you.

  70. NTA. He's putting zero effort into your relationship and expecting you to pick up the slack because he doesn't want to upset mummy dearest. You rank lower down the pole than she does, and her ease and comfort comes before yours.

  71. The cats are not the issue and his mother is not the issue - your boyfriend simply does not want to comply with your request. It would be better to find out why he is not interested in prioritzing you a bit more than it is to trying to find others to blame.

  72. I don't think he can't come, it's more of a he won't have two roommates. He has a place all to himself so he doesn't think it's worth it for him to travel for more than an hour to stay there where he has two other people to be mindfull of.

  73. YTA for saying it that way. BF is the AH because they're cats, put out extra food and water dishes, they'll be fine for a night. Sounds like he doesn't really want to put in any effort for this relationship.

  74. EHS except his mother. He is living at home, and those are family pets. He can make the effort to make arrangements for the pets or plan ahead so they both have social lives. You suck for saying she’s lived her life and should still be sacrificing her social life for his. What do you think she was doing when she raised him? He is living in her house. You and your Bf need to sort Your own shit out and not be interfering with his mom. If he moves out then she will make arrangements for the cats (or maybe the cats will go with him, I don’t know what their various attachments are). Maybe he can’t move out due to finances and this is part of the agreement with her for living there. Maybe he likes him mom having a social life (especially if she was a good mom) and doesn’t want her sacrificing time for him.

  75. ESH. He doesn't want to leave the cats. His mother is entitled to have a life even at her age. If he doesn't want to leave the cats alone for a night or coordinate their out -of-town-for-the-weekend weekends, then they need to find a pet sitter or find a neighbor to check in on the cats.

  76. NTA - you demand is reasonable, you don’t ask him to come every weekend but every now and then. You are the only one who willing to compromise, maybe he doesn’t feel confortable around your roommates ? However it seems like you guys way of thinking are different, he is not ready to leave the nest at 25 with a perfectly capable woman who is healthy enough to take care of herself and go out every week-ends, it’s unlikely that he will want to leave when she will get older and will need a little help. I’m not going to say « break up he is childish » or whatever but if he want to stay with his mom or you to move out with them, and you don’t want that maybe you should take time to reconsider the relationship. It would be the same as two people who are opposite on subject like : wanting to be maried, having babies, being a SAHM or stuff like that. It just doesn’t work on long term. Edit : word

  77. YTA for the comment, you don’t just stop having a live because you turn 60. She’s allowed to have friends and spend time with them. She’s for decades left of her life, most likely. Is she supposed to stop living now? Why?

  78. ESH - he’s 26, not 16. His mother can easily have the life she chooses. That’s not up to you to dictate. However, being that he’s 26 do you know if he pays rent and if he doesn’t maybe taking care of the cat is his contribution to the house, so he doesn’t have to pay rent? Maybe that’s his agreement with his mother so he doesn’t have to spend a fortune on rent to live on his own. Or he could just be using that as an excuse because he’s lazy and doesn’t want to take the trip to see you.

  79. ESH, mostly him, but his mom doesn’t need to stop living her life just because he refuses to live his outside his own comfort zone. Those cats would be FINE if they were left for the weekend as long as they have access to plenty of food and water. He is very clearly showing you he has no intent to put the same amount of effort as you are into this relationship. My boyfriend and I lived over 2,000 miles apart and still made effort to get back and forth equally. If he doesn’t wanna drive a measly hour and a half then you should stop giving him what he wants by going to him every weekend. If he wants to see you he needs to work for it too.

  80. I don't understand. Why can't he leave the cats for a night to come and see you? They're cats, and there's four of them, so they won't even be alone. I think they'd be perfectly fine on their own for a weekend.

  81. I feel OP is trying to say that his mom is out living her life and socializing, so should the bf, but he bf is finding excuses to not leave the house. Bf is the AH if anything

  82. You're very gracious on me tbh. I wish that was what I said. I've calmed down a lot since making my post, but I was incredibly angry and said something hurtful about an innocent party. Thanks for being kind and understanding where I'm coming from.

  83. It’s not the Mom, it’s your bf. He just doesn’t want to make the effort. Time for you to stop being so agreeable and look for someone who DOES want to spend time with you. Slight AH for saying his Mom has lived her life.

  84. Thanks for the feedback. Only thing I wanted to add is that the oldest cat is about 3-4 years old that they were given to by a family friend when she was a kitten. She happened to get pregnant and they got attached to the 3 kids, so they kept them.

  85. Oh, sweetie, NTA, what are you going to even do if you want to move in with him at some point? Your bf's behavior is screaming "not ready for a serious relationship".

  86. ESH but i hope you relized by now that the reason why he doesn't come over is not the cats or his mom, they are fine. He just doesn't want to. Either he is to lazy or he is not so much into you. I would stop going over (if needed buy a box of fishing worms and tell him you can't leave them alone) and wait what happens.

  87. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  88. No you’re NTA for saying what you did because it’s true, however, it really doesn’t seem like he wants to come see you. Keep that in mind as you constantly go visit him, you’re making thing way to easy for him.

  89. Eh, NTA I guess. Does his mom ask him to stay home with the cats? Or is he choosing to stay there with them? Cats can very easily hang out on their own for a day or two if need be if someone puts out enough food/water & they have a litter box. Both your boyfriend & his mother are adults & are allowed to have lives. If your boyfriend wants to prioritize his mother’s cats over staying with you as requested, maybe you should look at how much you want to be in this relationship (with a 26yr old who still lives with his mom).

  90. ESH, except his mother, who is entitled to live her life(no matter her age) as she likes, is she even asking him to watch her cats? Or is he just using them as an excuse to stay home and not put effort into your relationship?

  91. NTA. Your bf is having difficulty leaving the nest, and it kind of feels like he doesn’t really want to. Cats are pretty independent. One can leave food out for a couple of days, and the worst that will happen is one of the cats might knock something over.

  92. NTA. If you stay with this man this will be your future. Dinner date? Mom first. Kid has an event? Mom first

  93. a cat parent, I can tell you that most cats are able to do fine on their own. They have gravity water/feeders that can dispense a bit of food at a time when the owner is away. This should be sufficient. Coming to your home overnight shouldn't be a problem. You're NTA, but your bf doesn't seem to want to put in the effort to be a partner to you. I think you probably need to have a discussion about your boundaries and expectations if the two of you are to move forward.

  94. ESH. His mum can do what she wants, shes hardly ancient. Presumably if your boyf comes to yours your roommates would be there, whereas at his you're able to enjoy an empty home. I'd much prefer the latter too, but it does seem like hes not willing to make much effort to see you. Maybe you guys aren't compatible and you can find someone in walking distance & who isn't content living with his mum.

  95. ESH… girl you need to wake up and realize he doesn’t want to come to you, like everyone else is saying cats can be left alone, he doesn’t want to go to you he wants you to go to him, he doesn’t really care about inconveniencing because as long as his happy and his getting his way. The relationship is very one sided.

  96. your BF doesnt' feel like he need to put any effort in. How could he? you always acomodate for him. Stop doing that. Make up some excuses of your own as to why you cant leave your house during the weekend. If some weeks go by and he doesnt make an effort, i'm sorry but you should exit that relationship. NTA

  97. NTA Your boyfriend has “told” you over and over again that you’re not a priority. Dump him and find someone who will treat you better.

  98. YTA. I get your frustrated, but this is on your bf, not his Mom. She isn’t forcing him and he won’t even ask her. Sounds like you just aren’t a priority. Maybe he is seeing someone else and that’s why he always has a reason that he can’t come see you. Either way, he’s TA and YTA for making it about his Mom when it clearly a him problem.

  99. Soft YTA for the comment about his mom. GIANT AH to your BF. Maybe it’s your roommate situation. Maybe it’s the traveling. Maybe it’s because he knows you’ll just go to him so he’s taking advantage. Either way, he’s not willing to compromise with you and that she be a big red sign. Why don’t you spend a few weekends away from him and see how you feel?

  100. NTA. The cats are an excuse; for what, I don't know. But I routinely leave my boys for a few days alone with extra food and water and a clean box and they're just fine. That's the beauty of cats. They're pretty independent. (As my oldest sister here on my shoulder because he's a spoiled brat who wants to be with me all the time 🤣).

  101. NTA. Your comment about how his mother’s youth is over was unnecessarily harsh and more than a little unfair (as it’s not like we older people suddenly stop wanting to have a social life), but she isn’t the issue here, and neither is your snarky comment.

  102. NTA. IT sounds like its early enough in the relationship that breaking up wont be too painful. He doesn't prioritize you and you should find someone that will.

  103. ESH, you were out of line for what you said about his mom, because just because she had a child at some point doesn't mean she needs to give up her life. That said it does sound like they're internal dynamic is either he has to set role of the house sitter, or he straight up is just making every excuse not to come see you.

  104. INFO: Is there any type of agreement like "Sure, 26-year-old-son. You can live her for free. I'm only going to ask that you babysit the cats when I'm out most weekends?"

  105. No he pays rent and bills, and it's not her asking him to stay. He does it because he doesn't want to leave them on their own, he feels bad and considers it neglect.

  106. ESH. Sounds like he needs a reminder that his mom isn't his girlfriend, and your comment about his mom having "lived her life" was rude. So older folks can't have social lives now? I hope you remember that when you're 60. And honestly, he's show you time and time and time again that you're not a priority at all for him, so why are you still with him?

  107. ESH. I totally disagree with the ageism that you're exhibiting and saying that his mother has lived her life and now she shouldn't enjoy a decent social life. But your boyfriend sounds like a mama's boy and quite frankly anybody can go away for a day or two because cats are fine on their own as long as you leave them enough food and water out. Sounds to me like he's lazy and does whatever his mother wants and doesn't put you first in his life. That should tell you something about how important you are to him.

  108. NTA for wanting to spend time with your boyfriend. However colossal YTA for saying "Mum has lived her life". Going out and staying active keeps people young. There is no expiration date for people who want to stay active and spend time with friends. You ate very, very misguided in your stance here. Do you really think you are going to feel this way when you ate the same age as your boyfriend's mother? I sincerely doubt it.

  109. And who are you to decide how someone else should live their life?! The problem is with your BF, his mother can live as she pleases. YTA

  110. ESH. It sounds like he's just not that into you. The cat argument is a non-starter because you can very easily leave cats alone for a weekend. They'll be fine. They're cats. Leave some food out.

  111. No one has mentioned that she lives with two men. Maybe he’s uncomfortable being there with them when they could be alone at “his” house

  112. Someone asked about privacy and I mentioned one roommate has been in Thailand for months, and the other holes up in his room so there's no need for interaction.

  113. YTA - his mum has had 26 years of raising this boy/now man and deserves a fun social life, she's not lived her life, she's not dead yet, and after presumably working her butt off and raising a kid she gets to have a good time. (Edit : my judgement is made entirely on that comment because its just ageist... and stupid)

  114. Get busy and make other weekend plans for a few weeks, go do something fun with friends you haven’t seen lately bc your days off are spent with him. It won’t take long to gather the info you need to decide if he’s worth the effort

  115. ESH You said it wrong. It isn't unreasonable to plan it with her in advance and it isn't unreasonable for him to come and see you every now and then.

  116. Why can't the cats be left by themselves? I mean cats are very independent I think your bf is just using that as excuse for something else.

  117. NTA it has nothing to do with his mum, or the cats and everything to do with your bf. He would come if he wanted to. He is just not that into you to prioritise you. Move on.

  118. Im a dog person, but one of the arguments I always heard in non-serious arguments about which is the better pet is that cats are independent and can be left alone. So I really dont understand why that cats need someone there all weekend unless they have health issues. Also, he should be able to plan a weekend at your place in advance with his mom. He sounds like he just likes having you come to him (as opposed to driving nearly 2 hours to you).

  119. I think you went too far. You will be older one day and understand how isolating it can be. He can visit you for a few hours rather than staying over to save you the bus ride. His mom may feel lonely and depends on her outings. She is lucky to have friends and a caring son. I hope you do when you age.

  120. ESH. You were way out of line saying that about his mom. He is out of line for using mom and an excuse not to come see you (has he not heard of cat sitters? or if mom has so many friends, does one of them have a family member who could take care of the cats for a weekend?). Bottom line, if he doesn't want to make the effort to come see you, he's probably not that into you. I would say that maybe he doesn't understand that you'd like him to stay with you sometimes but it sounds like you've been pretty clear about that. Sounds like he really likes to stay home, and really dislikes either your place or the commute there, and probably wouldn't mind either way if you were there or not.

  121. He often treats me to dinner which is more expensive than the train, so it's not affordability. I recently started earning slightly more than him (maybe £50 per month), so I've tried to treat him more often or at least split the bill, but he's a bit traditionalist in this sense.

  122. He'll never move out, and if he does mom and the cats are coming with him. Cats are usually fine for a couple days as long as you leave food and water for them--he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to. NTA

  123. You are a bit the asshole for how you blew up and said it. Surely a reasonable woman would do what she had to do to take care of her pets. So that means you have a boyfriend problem. He doesn't want to be bothered to leave his home. Maybe he is lazy, maybe he has anxiety, maybe he can only poop at home, all we know is he is not wanting to make the commute and is using cats as an excuse.

  124. Hun? He's just not that into you. Time to move on, with someone who can be a partner. Cause right now you're a traveling booty call.

  125. NTA and as a cat person, they don’t need someone there 24/7. They will be fine if they have a proper litter box and left plenty of food and water. You seem to be the only one putting in the effort. His mother still has life left to live and she’s not wrong for that either. Your bf is the AH and has shown you that he doesn’t really care. If I were you, I’d quit going to him every time and alternate the back and forth. Or just move on to someone who wants to be there for you

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