AITA for not moving my family to help my sister-in law and parents

  1. Wow, that's some choosingbeggars stuff here. Definitely NTA for refusing to sell your home and move to a new province with a significantly higher COL. Y T A to yourself though for continuing to allow your toxic family to take advantage of you like this.

  2. Precisely. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your parents have been aweful to you from the start. Apparently your SIL jumped on the band wagon. I know it hurts, but you have to accept that they don’t want the best for you and let them go

  3. Another good phrase for the situation is "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink". It's not your fault that your family is refusing the most logical solution to their problem (moving to a lower CoL area with family members to support them) and are instead stubbornly insisting on the solution that caters to their sentiments (saving the family home despite the fact that it's a money pit now, staying around the kid's friends which yeah is hard even though they'd have their cousins to help them fit in and make new friends, and I'm sure staying close to their golden son's grave).

  4. Yeah, OP's good life is going to go down in flames if he moves these people in with him, and his kids will experience some of the trauma he went through as they inevitably favor one of his children over the other. OP should just leave this situation alone and keep FAR from them.

  5. NTA. You sound like a very generous and caring person, but none of these people sound deserving of that care and generosity.

  6. Hoping on to this comment to say that IF you choose to sell everything to repair your family old house, you will be at your parents mercy as the house deed is in their name.

  7. Oh, definitely rescind. Otherwise it's gonna be years of "oh we could all have been comfortable in Ottawa if someone didn't make is move here"

  8. NTA - Your family is reaping what they sowed. They treated you like garbage, and now they earn their rewards: No help from their son!

  9. NTA They treated you badly, but now they need help they expect you to abandon your life and do what they want. You made a generous offer and they turned it down. Forget about them.

  10. Yes, if OP were to go that route, he definitely needs the deed signed over, along with a nice little "contract" where all parties agree he can do with the house as he will. ie "don't argue his reno choices"

  11. NTA. You've tried to do a good thing for your family, tried to mend old bridges, and the reason you refuse to move is a very understandable reason. Your family may be struggling through grief but don't let them make an excuse out of it to take advantage of your generosity and what's best for your family matters too, it's not just about them.

  12. NTA. You even offered to care for all of them. They only want help their way, which you cannot do. Hold your head high. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re on a much higher road than them. Stop chasing their love. For your own sake.

  13. NTA but why are you bothering with these people I get there you're family but they wasn't bothered about you at all and only seem to call you when they want something and if you don't give it them they stop bothering with you again. Cut you're losses m8 and just look after you and you're kids stuff them

  14. NTA. You've been reconnected with them for 2 years after 12 years of no contact and a problematic childhood, and they feel entitled to demand this? Wow. I think your offer to support everyone at your home in Manitoba is very generous. You have your own life and family to take care of, too.

  15. NTA. Can I be your sister instead? I don't actually need to move or any kind of help; I just would love to have an awesome brother like you.

  16. NTA. But put a time limit on your offer. Tell them that is your only offer as you are not going to give up your job and home, where you would invest your money in their home that is in their name. They are not desperate yet, so they believe they can negotiate with you. Put your wife and children first. They are not only toxic to you but they will also be toxic to your wife and children. And that is a high price for you to pay to try to get the love from your family.

  17. NTA. You gave a generous offer. It is illogical for the only stable employed people in the family to uproot and move. Tell them you made an offer and will not be moving, they can accept or decline your offer.

  18. NTA.. Your offer was shot down, yet they have no leg to stand on to counter on the offer and tell you what you should do with your money. They can either take the offer and move to your area/location or figure something out themselves. Simple as that.

  19. NTA. Their demands are ridiculous and to steal a line from Mr. Spock, "Illogical". The top comment says it all perfectly. I chased my parent's love for 46 years, and guess what? They never gave it to me. Don't waste your life making my mistake.

  20. They didn’t contact you for 12 years, even knowing you were going into dangerous situations. I absolutely would not move. What you offered is more than generous, especially since I doubt they’d return the favor.

  21. NTA. You tried, they expect you to save them buy only the way they want? Friend I don't know if the problem is your parents only or your SIL too but you have done enough. Leave them alone.

  22. NTA just for your generous and forgiving nature, but Y T A to yourself. Did any of them apologize for how they treated you before trying to move in with you and get you to take care of them? It sounds like they treated you well enough to get you this far into taking care of them, but are showing their selfish nature again.

  23. Yep, it still hurts, doesn’t it? Give yourself the gift of grace. You’ve done well and have your own primary family now which is rightfully your priority. You’ve made a generous offer to your family of origin, but they want it their way with your twin living on as the eternal golden child. You can’t change the past, and they aren’t accepting your gift for the present. You’re going to have to let them go for the sake of your future. Best wishes and blessings to you!

  24. NTA - you’re too nice to these entitled AH family of yours. You should stop trying, even if they moved to you they’ll taint your kids like smeared feces to white wall.

  25. NTA. This is their problem. Not yours. You’ve been very generous to people who treated you badly. They can accept your kind offer or live in squalor.

  26. Hard NTA! They want you to sell everything and put the money into “their home”, and once you do it it will be theirs and you and your family will be the lodgers and the toxic behavior will continue ! Do not do this to your family, your wife and kids, you know best what your family like! Them not wanting to move is a clear indicator they are not that desperate, they want your money, to again guilt trip you and use you! Families, parents, rarely change, or never, I know, I live through it, this is just a ploy to make you do what they want!

  27. NTA you made them a generous offer. I can’t believe they are entitled enough to think you should up root your family to help them. Please do not sell your home and uproot your wife and kids. If they truly want help they can move to you.

  28. NTA but be prepared because even if they moved out there they'd still probably expect you to keep paying for everything even after they got settled.

  29. NTA They made it clear they want to stay there. Enjoy your life with your NOW family dont let past take away from your future. You did your part above n beyond they refused move on.

  30. DO NOT MOVE. You make your offer and that is the beginning and end of it. You are not their servant. Do not get in a fight, just pleasantly let them know you'd be happy to have them come out and visit and do the same yourself. You don't change yourself and your situation for something like this.

  31. NTA. Honestly, I would take their answers as even more reason to cut contact. They are still treating you like a servant and as a scapegoat. It's time to free yourself. Even if they do move out, they will not treat you well, or your children, and they will demand more and more. Please don't do that to yourself.

  32. You're mean to yourself and i hate that for you. But you've done nothing to them you offered after everything to give them all a NICE life and they declined respect respect their wishes and protect your own peace

  33. NTA. Dude, stand your ground. Do what is best for your wife and kids. Did your parents even apologized for their favoritism? It seems they don't respect you enough

  34. NTA- Your idea is much better than theirs, I can't believe they didn't take your offer. You tried though but it seems like it's time to move on.

  35. So in conclusion; they only talk to you went they want something, otherwise it's the silent treatment... which in turn is so juvenile and boderline emotional blackmail. You are way too nice to these people, offering to fund their move and house them. Family or not, you have made your more than generous offer and if they don't like it they can take a hike.

  36. NTA these people are TOXIC and awful. You still think like an abuse victim when it comes to them, and make no mistake, you have been / are being abused by them. For you to even consider placing the family you made at a disadvantage for these ppl who have treated you deplorably is a testament to how you are still mentally stuck. Please please do yourself a favor and cut them off. They bring absolutely nothing positive to your life, only stress and strife. There’s a really good I recommend: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Good luck to you.

  37. NTA. If it’s been a week and they’ve ignored you, I’d say good riddance. You offered to help in a way that you are capable. If they choose not to help you, they’re free to take care of themselves.

  38. AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read

  39. NTA. You made a very generous offer. Its up to them whether they want to accept or not. The consequence of that decision is on them.

  40. As a fellow Manitoban, yeah don’t move to Ottawa , that place sucks man, manitoba is one of the few places that haven’t felt as much as others with inflations.

  41. NTA. Is SIL unwilling to move, or going along with the parents? I'd also try to find that out. You don't owe anyone anything though

  42. NTA, You are kind and generous, and far better than they deserve. Now that they are giving you the silent treatment, enjoy it and congratulations on dodging the bullet.

  43. NTA and you need to put your family first and in that I mean your wife and kids. It is not far for them to move, your wife works why should she be investing in their house.

  44. NTA They are ungrateful. I am sorry to say that I don't think you will get what you are wishing for with them. Once you have nothing to offer them, they will push you away.

  45. Don't do anything for them beyond what you've offered. If they can't handle it, f-them. If they don't take you up on your offer, well they didn't need your help after all.

  46. NTA by any means, and if your SIL has reasons for wanting to stay where she is, then she does, but that doesn't mean you should sacrifice your family to accommodate your SIL's reasons.

  47. NTA. Your family has serious issues, and it is rude of them to expect you to uproot your family, harm both your and your wife's careers, to make things easier for them. It would be detrimental to your family.

  48. NTA - what you are offering is more than generous considering the history. If they don't want your offer, they don't need to take and you should not feel guilty or anything as you tried. They seem pretty selfish to me.

  49. NTA. Doing what they want will wreck your family. You've already offer more than many would, and they're acting like the same people that has neglected you in the past. Again, do not wreck your own family and the lives they have in order satisfy an extremely unreasonable demand from them in order for you to help them.

  50. NTA. But please know that there is nothing that you can do or say that will make them love and respect you the way that you wish they would or the way that you deserve. You’re willing to financially support them all, but even if you did that - and did it their way - they’d still demean you & take you for granted because that’s who they are. Don’t do anything detrimental to your actual loving family that values you in a vain attempt to finally get your parents to value you.

  51. NTA You do realize if you sell your house and use the proceeds to fix up your parents house you will be left with nothing. You won’t have a claim and they can do whatever they want with it. Not only that why would your family have to give up the privacy they have in their own house to live in the same spaces as everyone else? At least in your home you have designated areas for everyone.

  52. NTA.. you're a better person than me. After years of no contact your parents have the audacity to try to tell you to change your entire life(and your family's) to come there and solve all their problems (ones theyve made themselves as capable adults for the last 60 -70 yrs. their problems are absolutely not your problems) but continue to treat you like shit during the process...with their hands out. I'm worried for you. This emotional and financial abuse their heaping on you is dangerous and toxic and your kids should not grow up thinking this is normal or ok. Letting them stay with you, being a burden until they die, is alot to put your partner and kids through, your marriage will suffer, you will suffer. Please think about this very very carefully...you're inviting abuse into your life

  53. NTA, they were never there for you and now they're acting like a bunch of choosing beggars, you and your family come first

  54. NTA, it’s unfortunate that your parents have lost a son and now maybe their house but you are right. you cannot drop everything and move to place that will drag you under too. You have a family as well, and there is a ton of work for nurses in Manitoba. Hopefully they will see this for themselves before it’s too late. Maybe try talking to the sister in law to reason with them I know sometimes old folks can be stuck in their ways but she and her kids shouldn’t suffer anymore and a fresh start would be a good idea. Also I’m sure even though their house might be a fixer upper they could probably sell and be able to buy something for themselves right away. They just have to get over the idea that the house Carries the memories instead of themselves.

  55. NTA: your parents still sound like awful people, and while I can understand why your sister-in-law doesn’t want to uproot her kids after they lost their dad, that is not your problem. You offered them an amazing opportunity and if they choose not to take it that is on them.

  56. NTA dude, they have been assholes to you your whole life, and even now they're being T A. I wouldn't help at all, so you're clearly nicer than me.

  57. Oh dear hell no. They have done nothing for you and even now...they want you to give it all up. No. No. No.

  58. so let me recap, you moved out once grown up, you were the only one initiating contact and now your parents want you to uproot your life and your family's life and be their ATM machine?

  59. NTA if you are doing things to help them because you hope for validation stop. Your brother will always be the golden child and you his scapegoat. They will never turn around and say, oh we were so wrong about you, we love you so much for doing this for us. Instead they will take from you because they believe it is right for them to bleed you dry and still continue with the whole attitude. You need to put your time and energy into your own partner, kids, home and job. Not look to the past. Only help and maintain relationships with the extended family who treat you well.

  60. Your family is not cooperating because they don’t want to give up control. They also know how they’ve treated you and worry about payback if they become dependent on you.

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