What things should be kept private from your SO, no matter how healthy your relationship is?

  1. No matter how healthy a relationship is, there'll always come a time where you have resentful thoughts of your spouse. Those should be kept to yourself, as most of them pass quickly. The only time you should share them is if they're persisting in some behavior that is hurting you, and then it should be done calmly and not in the heat of the moment. For instance, if you got home from work tired to find your spouse binge watching a TV show, but the sink is full of dirty dishes, the impulse may be to lace into them. Don't. Go ahead and do the dishes, and tomorrow, when that initial flash of anger has passed, discuss the issue.

  2. This is very true. I grew up with parents who used words as weapons. It's a struggle for me not to do the same. It's almost reflex to want to just go for the jugular, but I never do. We've been married 10 yrs this July.

  3. This is really good advice. "Never go to bed angry" is the WORST advice. I'm so often angry for reasons that have nothing at all to do with my partner to begin with! Hormones, a bad day at work, I'm hangry, I'm actually mad at someone else who isn't at hand...or (ding ding) I'm actually tired and need to go to bed! It doesn't solve anything to talk about it when I'm in the throes of anger or frustration. It is always better to wait until I can sort out my feelings, process which ones are appropriate and worthy of expressing, and then say them to my partner at the right moment. I'm not perfect btw, this is definitely something I'm still trying to improve on, but it's the best thing therapy taught me. It made me a better partner.

  4. My partner used that line against me practically verbatim but I still took her back. Makes me extremely hesistant to tell her anything personal now and I have no idea how to get out of the relationship. I am afraid of saying anything because I’m terrified she’ll use it against me, too weak to cut it off.

  5. lmao, there is zero argument who the cats like more in my relationship. They don't leave my wife alone, but act like

  6. My husband is best friends with the cat. I brought the cat when we moved in together. I feed the cat. I change the cats litter box. The cat does not give a fuck about these trivial details once my husband is nearby.

  7. It was pretty obvious since he screamed bloody murder every time I left. Not bark or whine or howl. SCREAM. Like bloody murder. Like you were cutting his leg off.

  8. If your relationship started under potentially offensive pretenses (eg they were madly in love w you but you they were just the your rebound)

  9. An old friend of mine's gf told him this. I was there when it happened, and I swear to god I saw his heart break. They were really good together and really liked each other, so he tried to keep going, but I watched it eat him from the inside out until he just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her.

  10. Past two SOs admitted that they only gave me a chance because they were tired of being single and didn't have any other prospects.

  11. I was my wife's revenge date. She had just gotten dumped for the first time in her life, so she was gonna date for two weeks then dump someone to "get back at boys" or some dumb teenage girl shit. We've been together for nearly 21 years, just celebrated our 14th anniversary, and now have three kids. I'm sure that revenge breakup is coming any day now...

  12. I was friend's with a couple who got married and she later told him that if she hadn't married him, she would have married me. I was like wtf??? Great way to destroy my friendships, thanks!

  13. Where I hide the secret, spare pair of scissors I keep for when he's lost all the other 11 pairs of scissors we own and I need to trim a chip bag down to make getting to the chips easier

  14. I had a pair of nail clippers stashed away because they were never where they were supposed to be. After my wife passed away I found 9 pairs! In her desk drawers, in purses she hadn’t used in years - 3 pair in with her makeup….

  15. Same with my SO. I can never find scissors. When we were packing, she was in the office with me packing up and opened up a couple drawers to find my back-up scissors for when she inevitably lost the pair in the kitchen drawer. She laughed, "Oh I found them!". She found the ones I was okay with her finding...the others stay hidden.

  16. A couple of years ago we found a pigeon in our garden that had broken its wing. My wife loves all animals so instantly named it Eric. We took it to a local vets and they said they would take care of it. I emailed them a couple of seeks later as my wife wanted to check in on it. I got an email back saying it had to be put down because its wing had broken. This would have upset my wife so I doctored the email reply and made out like it had been released. For two years after that my wife was convinced that a pigeon that came to our garden was Eric. We have moved since and she thinks another one is Eric. I will never let her know the reality of poor Eric the OG.

  17. Hahaha my wife pooped in the tub at the hospital. I did my best to like, paddle it out of site so the nurse will scoop it out before she saw, but she saw. Now it's a running joke. She can't gross me out, I took a bath with her poop.

  18. My sweet husband told me after the birth of our first, “All you need to know is your body is so fucking strong and you are amazing.” I’ll never forget how that made me feel.

  19. My boyfriend kept my behind clean when I had some issues after surgery. It was gross and (literally) shitty but he didn’t complain or act disgusted and after I was all healed he said “I just wanted to take care of you, you couldn’t do it yourself.” I’m so lucky. Also PSA: any time you’re on the percs, TAKE STOOL SOFTENERS

  20. I’ve birthed three kids. Damn straight I’ve never shat on the table. Just ask my husband. He said I didn’t. 😉

  21. "Listen lady, there was no baby, I don't know what you're talking about. But boy did you poop all over the place. No wonder you feel 10 pounds lighter. Whelp, now that you're feeling better, it's about time we went home."

  22. Sometimes, no matter how attractive your partner is to you and no matter how much you love them, there is an aspect to them that is unchangeable but that you find gross or annoying or just generally less than attractive. Clogged nose pores, a laugh that sounds like a muppet, big toe nails that just look a little bit weird, or that single long hair growing from inside their ear that just keeps coming back no matter what they do. If it’s going to make them feel insecure or unloved, this is something you should just keep to yourself.

  23. Also annoying little habits. My BF has a nervous habit of patting his body rhythmically, like doind a hambone or some damned thing. It's supremely annoying. But it's harmless, and I have my own share of little tics that must be annoying. No need to open the door on that.

  24. At the same time I would really like for my partner to tell me if something just isn’t doing it for her. I would rather make an effort to change it if it is changeable.

  25. My husband lets me groom him(weird hair, zits, etc) because he knows I love doing that kind of thing. Sadly, he won’t pop my zits that I can’t reach bc it grosses him out

  26. The unkind shit you think when you're angry and tired, it will absolutely never help at all to say any of it out loud and even if you don't have a particularly big fight or break up over it you'll still regret it and they'll still remember. Possibly also what you think about how hot other people are, depending on how jealous/insecure your SO is.

  27. People seldom understand that the longer you are with someone you love, the MORE you need kindness, compassion, and discretion. You know too much about each other that can be weaponized.

  28. It's generally never a good idea to speak to anyone out of anger/frustration. It isn't realistic to think it can always be avoided, but it should be as much as possible.

  29. Yeah, gotta love how my spouse "got over that" or "only felt that way for a short while" after he said something particularly horrendous to me that no one should ever say to a spouse.

  30. I do my best to subscribe to the “don’t get into stressful situations/conversations at night” because nothing good happens at night. People are tired and cranky when dealing with this stuff and it’s almost always best to sleep/rest and deal with it using a clear head in the morning.

  31. Three years on and I still regret and feel shit about some of things I said to my ex wife in the past. Depression and anger issues can make people say very stupid and hurtful things. I still look back today and think why did I say this or that and wish I could take it all back.

  32. Your psychologist/therapy sessions. I had an ex that used to demand I tell him what I talked about in my sessions and it was super uncomfortable. With my current partner we are both in therapy and if it's a phone session the other goes in a different room. If we want to talk about something we told the psych or something we will tell our psych at the next appointment we do, but I would never ask and nor would he. We might ask "how did it go?" To which the other may say "it was good" or "it was emotionally draining", but that's as far as it should go. (These are personal sessions, not couples therapy, we're not in that)

  33. Big agree. My partner goes to therapy. I always ask how it went and I do that to know the level of aftercare my partner may need. Sometimes he needs left alone, sometimes he needs ice cream and a TV show to binge. Oftentimes he does tell me about the session but I always remind him he doesn't have to. I think talking about it with me helps him process it.

  34. Yup. We’re both in therapy and the whole conversation is usually “Was it good? Do you want to talk about it?” and that’s it, unless we do want to talk about it. I want to listen to whatever parts of that he wants to tell me, but I don’t feel like I have a right to that knowledge or like I’m being rejected if he doesn’t want to tell me.

  35. I frequently get into my wife’s purse. Not to snoop, but to get her keys or something else that for SOME DAMN REASON is impossible to find in there. It’s like a black hole. Sometimes I’ll just walk the whole thing to the car to unlock it instead of digging through.

  36. As a woman I really don't get the purse thing. I have absolutely nothing private in there lol. At my job men always say that "oh I'll let her do it, I NEVER go in her purse" and tbh the woman always seems a little annoyed because she has to do it herself (hospital setting, she doesn't feel good). Idk if it is a generational thing or purses are mysterious to most men or what, but I have also asked my boyfriend for something specific out of my purse and he will just bring me the whole thing lol. What do you think we have in there??

  37. My wife is sensitive about animals, so anytime I see/read some sort of tragedy related to an animal, I hide it from her.

  38. I appreciate that. I’m the same way. my boyfriend and I live in an area with a lot of roadkill, and when he sees something while he’s driving he’ll usually tell me to look at him, find a song to listen to, or just not to look. I know why he’s doing it, but it’s a lot better to know there’s roadkill than to see it.

  39. may you have every positive thing ever. I'm surrounded by people who do the opposite. and they forget the terrible news 5 minutes later while i cry about it indefinitely since hearing about it. i never manager to forget :(

  40. Are we married? I will dwell on sad animal stories and it hurts my heart. I had the NextDoor app and finally deleted it bc of all the lost pet posts. A few years ago I tried to rescue a dog running in traffic and it did not end well… fucking broke my heart.(don’t tell your wife that story). You’re a good spouse for keeping that kind of stuff from her.

  41. whether or not i like my butthole licked. Its not something you should share with my mom when you're losing a game of UNO, MOLLY.

  42. That's funny because I was sorting through newest comments and I saw one that was like "my wife uses an app to get a joke that she tells me every night. I'll never tell her I know she uses the app because I want her to think she's funny"

  43. I used to tell my wife all kinds of funny jokes and she thought I was hilarious. I accidentally had her watch The Jerk with me a few years ago and she realized that most of my jokes are just Steve Martin ripoffs and now she doesn't think I'm funny anymore. It hurts a lot.

  44. The huge penis of your ex-boyfriend and how much more satisfying it is to have someone with a "normal" one. Trust me. I know its not logical but no dude wants to hear that. Don't question it just trust me.

  45. It’s funny, my husband and I have never talked about past relationships. I always thought it was healthy and a standard practice in understanding your current relationship, but I haven’t felt the need and he doesn’t ask or bring it up.

  46. My ex used to always make little jabs about my appearance. I think he thought that those were things I didn’t realize were “wrong” with me and that I would correct them if they were brought to my attention. Every single comments is burned in my brain and did nothing but make me more self conscious.

  47. At one point my wife and I didn't have a great relationship, mostly about sex. And she told me multiple times how she didn't find me attractive. Now, even when we're better it's hard to believe otherwise after hearing it so many times.

  48. Yep this was my ex getting super critical about my boobs and then justifying it by basically claiming that all men are like that and many men wouldn't even want me at all ("I can't promise you people wouldn't laugh at your naked" "I've seen what porn looks like, and it doesn't look like you"). He just said something really mean and doubled down I guess so he didn't have to feel bad.

  49. My wife was concerned that I was just infatuated with her since I only had good things to say about her, so I told her that I found her fingers way too long for how skinny they are. I called them alien fingers.

  50. Even though my wife and I have been happily married for 6 years, we decided we would never go for a shit while the other is in the shower. We're just not going there.

  51. That's just common decency. I don't know why, but I know that shit somehow smells so much worse in a foggy room than a dry one. Nobody should have to be in an enclosed space with that fresh hell.

  52. 10 years and still haven't. Even with a single bathroom. We are extremely close but not that close. We even give it at least 5 minutes before entering after a poo.

  53. The trick there is to buy stuff that you like that your SO doesn't, then you don't have to keep it secret

  54. at my house it's scissors. we have 3 kids and for whatever reason, any time any one of them uses scissors the scissors just vanish forever. I did an experiment once where for 5 weeks, I bought 2 new pairs every time I did my weekly grocery shopping, and simply put them where our scissors are supposed to be whenever I saw that there were no scissors there. To this day I haven't seen any of those 10 scissors since. so I keep a secret pair on top of the fridge for my own use only

  55. It's not that it should be kept private, as in forcefully, but I believe both persons in a relationship should have privacy in their devices.

  56. I have all my passwords and pins documented and handed over. It makes it easier on them if I die suddenly. And there's nothing that interesting in my accounts anyway, unless you're really into reading spam.

  57. I highly agree with this! I also don’t mind my partner using my phone and stuff and I do the same with his. I ask before I take it tho, something close to “Can I take your phone for some google search?” I would never read messages or something without permission. If there is something that I need to know, I am confident that he will tell me.

  58. Whenever my ex wanted to go through my phone it didn't matter how much of nothing she found. Since her mind is now in "He's up to something" mode everything is suspicious now. She once questioned why my photo app has a recycle bin...

  59. Journals. My partner writes in one every night before bed and I have no idea what any of it says. If she wants to share with me she can. Those are her private thoughts and feelings until she decides differently. Same goes for me.

  60. My husband has never asked to read mine. If he did he'd find mostly inane drivel about what youtube videos I'm watching, how I feel about the pen I am writing with, how much I'd like to have a nap... the contents aren't important for me. It helps me work through decisions and communication deficits sometimes, sure, but it's mostly the act of writing itself that I find therapeutic.

  61. I wish my bf was like you. I have a cute little brown book i write in everday with all my dark little secrets and my bf kept asking to read it asking why couldnt he read it and it made me so uncomfortable and betrayed. I set a boundary and he wanted to cross it. ...i was carrying it and he took it from me and opened it and i tryèd to get it back but he is bigger then me and when i got visibly upset (on the verge of tears) and he gave it back to me. But after that he kept asking if her could read it.

  62. My gf gave me the journal she kept about me/us recently, when I last visited. Said she doesn't have time to continue writing it anymore and that she had planned to give it to me.

  63. If the bathroom door is closed, I don't even knock. You do you in there, if I have to go, I can hold it. (Edit: CAN hold it, not can't)

  64. I lock the bathroom door. Not sooo much because of my wife, but more my kids barging in. I tell my wife to do the same, but she never does, and I hear her complaining at least once a day to whichever kid comes in "can I just have a moment in here to use the potty?"

  65. I sneak in while my wife is showering and drop dryer sheets into the shower with her. No place is safe in the dryer sheet war.

  66. Wow I’m so sorry. Therapy is a very personal and private thing. My wife and I are both in therapy and after we just ask “good session?” It opens the door to talk about stuff IF you want to but creates no pressure. 95% of the time we just go “yep” or “not really” and that’s the end of it.

  67. My favorite was the time my now-ex insisted on finding me a different therapist. She didn't like that I was "on pills. Only crazy psychos have to be on antidepressants." So she found me a better doctor that used holistic methods and didn't prescribe meds.

  68. My girlfriend does that! She would be horrified if I asked her about her therapy sessions…

  69. My boss did that to me every time I had a private conversation with his boss. It was fucking exhausting. More of his crazy shit: one time I had mentioned some minor thing in passing and he blew up and kept trying to interrogate me so I said “just forget it, I shouldn’t have brought it up”, which of course led to “so now you’re hiding things from me?!?” Fuuuuuuck dude. Thankfully he left the company and his boss guaranteed me he will never be rehired.

  70. Things you arent ready to talk about yet. I have a lot of trauma and I'm not always ready to talk or explain. However, I'm lucky my partner respects that and has let me open up at my own pace.

  71. Very early on in my relationship we had been face timing and the topic of trauma came up. He said “you know I’ve had something really traumatic happen to me and I’ve told only 2 people in my life, 1 being my ex wife who essentially bullied it out of me and I never told her the whole story because I didn’t feel safe. But I feel compelled to tell you about it. I want to tell you. Can I hang up and message it to you?” And that’s what he did. And I have never felt so privileged and trusted. I think that might have been when I started falling in love with him. In every aspect of a relationship: If they want to, they will.

  72. Sometimes you don't have to explain. I never fully explained to my husband, even after my detective randomly turned up at our door to ask if I'd be willing to stand in court for another girl who had been groomed since the man who groomed me had been released. He knew before that id been abused and that's why I had some weird boundaries, but other than that I don't feel the need to explain.

  73. If your SO has been in combat, don’t ask about the details. In the unlikely event they want you to know, they’ll tell you.

  74. What's worse is asking the people you served with what you were like. My wife cried after a buddy I did two tours with told her about me. There's a reason it's private and not something I share with her. It was nothing horrible, just changed her view of how I am as an infantryman compared to a husband and father.

  75. Never ever ever ever ever ask a veteran if they killed anyone. If they did it's likely the lowest moment of their life and they don't want to relive it to satisfy your perverse curiosity.

  76. I remember buying a hand mirror a year or two ago specifically because I'd never "made direct eye contact" with her before. It was liberating, to say the least. I even found a freckle I never knew about. Have fun!

  77. Just wanna say a big wholesome congrats to you on starting a mini-thread on sexual/genital health and education. More people will be surveying their bits now - which is actually a great outcome!

  78. I mean what really surprised me with these comments is how many women don't look at their privates? I feel like most men could choose theirs out of a line up while they blurred their eyes

  79. Also just because they don't like your partner doesn't mean they aren't right for you, not everyone is going to like everyone, some people don't like people just because

  80. Also don't fucking vent to your family about your significant other. I see people do this all the time and then wonder why their family always dislikes their partners...

  81. This. My boyfriend sent me a screenshot of the text his mom sent him saying she felt bad for his ex, wasn't over their relationship, and didn't want to meet me. They'd been broken up for almost two years at that point. Why the fuck he didn't just lie and say she was out of town or something is beyond me.

  82. Anything wanted private that has no direct impact on the relationship. People don't need to be sharing text messages, diary entries, detailed itineraries when apart etc. Any insistence on that kind of sharing is paranoid and unhealthy. Trust is important as is understanding people may still need their space regardless of relationship status.

  83. This drove me nuts in my first serious relationship and was one of the triggers for our eventual split. I went to a friend's birthday party in my hometown and he, like usual, was constantly texting and calling and wanting to be kept apprised of my every move. Like dude, I'm at a social event, I'm not staring at my phone the whole time.

  84. I'm a psychologist and there have been many times that that my professional and personal life collided. Neighbors, his coworkers, friend's family members, and the parents of my daughter's friends have been my patients. And I can't say a thing. I have to stand there feeling super awkward and I can't explain why. I know so much information about these people and I have to pretend that I don't know how messed up their marriage is or all of their family drama.

  85. I don’t know… they’re already complicit and could turn out to be an asset laundering-wise. Nice to have someone to share the success with too.

  86. I don't like the idea of sharing absolutely everything with one's partner like it's a proof of healthiness. I think it's healthy to maintain some sort of individuality, personal mental space, your secret garden that only you can access. You are not only a couple, you don't only exist through your partner, you also are an individual human being with your own inner world that you don't have to share entirely with someone else, and no one can take that away from you. I feel like if you completely merge with someone else you lose yourself.

  87. The idea that a healthy relationship means no secrets is flawed in my opinion. Some burdens are yours alone to carry and don't need to be tossed on the shoulders of someone else. If they don't actually need to know, ask yourself why you're telling them.

  88. Sharing your body count numbers. Nothing good ever comes out of that. We obviously both fucked people before we met, I don’t need/want to know how many.

  89. I think this will be a little different for everyone. For me, I don't have my girlfriend go through my devices and likewise, I do the same. Privacy boundaries are different for everyone, so one should have a discussion with their SO on boundaries.

  90. Their mail and packages. It doesn't matter if it's junk mail or that Amazon shipment of soap. If it's addressed to her, you don't open it unless she explicitly says so. It's not that the package itself matters as much as the fact that you are showing that you respect her privacy.

  91. I would think if you’ve got some really fucked up kinks you just keep that to yourself. There was that Reddit post a couple days ago I saw where the girl was very upset that the guy used to nut on family members while they slept when he was a kid

  92. I'm comfortable with who I am at my age so there's absolutely nothing I wouldn't share with my SO if they asked. The other side of that is I'm perfectly comfortable with who I am so I won't force them to tell me anything they don't want me to know, I'd rather show them they can be 100% authentic with me.

  93. My wife is a doctor. I know that she's treated people that we know, but obviously she doesn't say who or for what.

  94. i have so much respect for people who keep other people’s secrets. i know a friend who does this, and it was honestly annoying at first considering that we’re close. then, i grew up understanding why she does it. it’s not her secret to tell, and that would also mean she values the privacy of the things i share with her.

  95. My wife is a teacher and this rule is killing me, you know how much shit she has on the people in our small town!? I want to know everything, in detail, but she’s a rock lol.

  96. My mom is a huge fucking gossip. I hate it. One day on the phone she told someone a secret that she was told not to share something she said herself but said it anyway. I called her ass out on it and she tried to make excuses and she wonders why I don't tell her shit. You just don't do that Edit:the irony of me telling Reddit and the whole world is not lost on me lmao

  97. My assumption is that if I am telling my secrets to someone with a long term partner, I am probably telling them too. I don't mind this, with a couple in a healthy relationship it means they'll discuss my problems and any advice given after the fact is the product of a discussion between two people I respect.

  98. Therapy. I’ve been going to therapy on a regular basis for over a year now. My husband never asks me what was said at the sessions. Sometimes I will bring things to him… but he never asks me to tell him. It’s nice having a space to share my thoughts and feelings with somebody else.

  99. Damn straight, my wife and I can pee in each others' presence, like while the other showers,brushes teth, or whatever, but pooping is definitely private

  100. Why are you so protective of your pogs? Are they Alf pogs? Do you have Alf pogs? Remember Alf? He's back. In pog form.

  101. Many things that happen while deployed should only be discussed with trained and licensed professionals. It's not a dig on your SO, it's that they very likely won't have the tools to help you and do not need to carry that mental burden.

  102. Don't dwell on ex stuff. Don't start sentences with... "My ex ...". Nobody wants to hear it. If your SO asks a question like "How long did your longest relationship last?", it's fine to answer but no extra details. Say something like, "________ (honest answer) years. And you?" You're starting fresh, this is your new SO... past relationships are over.

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