Hopefully this isn't too off-topic, but Dua Lipa actually has an amazing song at the end of Future Nostalgia called "Boys Will Be Boys" and the chorus follows that up with "and girls will be women" that's about this very thing- how society excuses so much unsavory male behavior and puts the onus on young ladies to "just deal with it" because "boys will be boys." It's honestly pretty iconic and I wish more people heard it- one of the best lines is "if you're offended by this song, you're probably doing something wrong" (I'm going from memory, so I might have the wording wrong)
“Boys will be boys” should be reserved for stuff like two boys breaking a window because they were chugging sausages at each other, not acts of assault
Actually lost a friend over this one. My ex best friend's boyfriend said some unpleasant things about me, which I ended up hearing from someone else. When I asked her about why he would say that (it was to do with something I told her in confidence), she replied "boys will be boys" and we never spoke again after that.
Spot on. Every time I hear it, it triggers memories of early childhood trauma and loss. It's upsetting. People should only say this to themselves if it brings them comfort
Came here to say this. I went through a lot of stuff in childhood that messed me up for life – I don't care if it happened for a reason, and as far as I'm concerned, there will never be a good enough reason for it, ever. It just feels so... dismissive.
Yoo this annoys the sh* out of me. Most of the time it's my auntie that says it to me because I'm sitting with my legs open, swearing, or not doing something in a particular way 🙄 I'm female, doing these things, so yes, it is 'lady-like'
Omg. I constantly heard this from my 6th grade teacher, whose worldview just could not handle a tomboyish 11 year old, so she constantly came down on me like a ton of bricks. She was like my own personal Aunt Lydia.
Yeah, that is appalling. I don't know if I've ever heard someone use it in that way, usually I hear it in response to questions about the gender or other over steps regarding parenting decisions or living situations so I've always thought it was quite a diplomatic way to end a conversation. You're absolutely right that mum's overall health is equally important and it should never be said in regards to her sacrifice!
Uugh, I feel you, there's also "Yeah, well someone always has it worse than you", which is just so helpful to hear and totally doesn't invalidate my feelings, at ALL. I don't think people realise just how dangerous this is to say to someone who is already struggling.
My mom used to say “just sit there and look pretty” when I would disagree with her. She said it to my stepdad and brother too, so thought it was okay, but I went off on her about what it implies when she says it to me, a woman (and PhD), that it doesn’t when she says it to them. She doesn’t say it to me anymore and has almost completely stopped saying it at all
I get told you look good 👍 when you're quiet 🤫 but when I'm quiet 🤫 I get asked what's wrong or what's stressing you. You have a roof over your head and whatnot 🤨😑😏 as if a person can't be quiet without stressing
Asking respectfully, why do you hate this? Do you think everything is about race, or do you think people use this phrase when it's not warranted, or some other reason?
Oh dear this reminds me that in Finnish, husbands/boyfriends have a habit of callong their partner "hallitus" which literally means "government"... As if they have to ask permission or are taxed by them. When I need to consider, discuss or ask something from my partner I do it because I appreciate her input and at all points want to do what is best for us - because they're my partner, not my overseeing governing committee!
"You'll change your mind!" Well it's also possible that you'll eventually change YOUR mind and regret having children, but for some reason bringing that up is "rude" while the original bingo...isn't?
When I was a teen and said I wasn't interested in having kids, adults would usually chuckle and say "You'll change your mind when you get older." Well, here I am, 59 and childless; when, exactly, was that supposed to kick in?
Reminds me of when Ruth Porat, arguably one of the most powerful and influential business people in the world, got referred to as the "Lady CFO" on an analyst call shortly after she became CFO of Google. Her response was just withering, and rightly so.
I hate the term Girl Dad!!! Wtf is that? Why do you think you're special because you actually want to parent your daughter? So many celebrities are like yeah I'm such a girl dad and I'm just like why can't you just be a good parent regardless of your child's gender?!
I'm autistic, and have a history of being on the receiving end of abuse, but my job involves dealing with customer complaints. My boss is always going on about how empathic I am and how good I am at sympathising with customers. I keep trying to point out that I'm not remotely empathic and don't honestly give a damn, and my skills are a fun combo of years of masking and learning to placate my abusers. Like I appreciate that whatever I'm doing works but it does not come naturally! It's exhausting!
When teachers do this. I had a professor who loved to call people out individually and it pissed me off, especially since the class was 4 hours and started in the morning.
I've started telling people that the devil has enough advocates whenever "playing devils advocate" ends up being code for "I want to see how much bigotry I can get away with"
No matter how hard girls try, they always become their mothers. No one thinks about how unfunny that is to daughters of abusive mothers. We are not doomed to become them, it balls down to choice.
One of my main goals in life has always been to not be like my horribly abusive mother. If I can accomplish that, it is breaking multiple generations of the abuse cycle. So far, so good!
“Wife material” or “husband material.” I know people have different interpretations, but to me it sounds like “responsible, stable person to pay the bills/ raise the kids/ maintain the household when I’m done having fun with more attractive partners.”
"Thank God" for the work someone else did (like doctors) or "It's God's will" as an excuse for something good/not planned but not for something bad (be consistent). I feel it keeps others from thinking critically when they throw these phrases a million times a day.
“The proof is in the pudding.” No, fool. No it is not. My dead pal William Camden did NOT write anything like that in 1605; instead he wrote “All the proofe of a pudding, is in the eating.”
"Littles" is the absolute W O R S T. I throw up a little in my spirit any time I read it (have been lucky enough to not have to hear it in person yet, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually).
When Woman say, I had a ‘natural’ birth, or I went through 21 hours of ‘natural’ labor. As opposed to what, an ‘un natural’ birth!?. I find that most of my friends that say this didn’t have an epidural and feel somewhat superior. It’s painful as hell and choosing to use medication does not make the experience any less natural
So many women shamed my friend who had a C-section after like 10-12 hours of labor. She was cut open, had her organs removed, and a baby cut out of her!! How the [email protected]#$ does that make her less than them?
Just the terms fur baby/pawrent. Not saying you can't love your animal like your own child, but those terms usually just come from people whose only personality trait IS their "fur baby." Ick.
Gaslighting - everyone got a shiny new word and won’t stop using it. “I seen” - you don’t seen things, you saw them. Speak correctly. Literally- please please stop. It is ALL literal, you don’t need to say that. Narrative - overused
Mod note: locked due to rampant derailing. Thank you to those who participated within the rules.
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Let's just excuse shitty behavior, potentially abusive, sexual, predatory or a mixture just because.... Boys will be boys.
Hopefully this isn't too off-topic, but Dua Lipa actually has an amazing song at the end of Future Nostalgia called "Boys Will Be Boys" and the chorus follows that up with "and girls will be women" that's about this very thing- how society excuses so much unsavory male behavior and puts the onus on young ladies to "just deal with it" because "boys will be boys." It's honestly pretty iconic and I wish more people heard it- one of the best lines is "if you're offended by this song, you're probably doing something wrong" (I'm going from memory, so I might have the wording wrong)
This is in my top hated phrases to...Boys will be how you raise them to be.
IKR? 🙄
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“The patriarchy will partriarch”
“Boys will be boys” should be reserved for stuff like two boys breaking a window because they were chugging sausages at each other, not acts of assault
Actually lost a friend over this one. My ex best friend's boyfriend said some unpleasant things about me, which I ended up hearing from someone else. When I asked her about why he would say that (it was to do with something I told her in confidence), she replied "boys will be boys" and we never spoke again after that.
“Everything happens for a reason”
My husband just passed and it’s infuriating how often I hear this or “he’s in a better place”. I just want to give everyone the bird
Spot on. Every time I hear it, it triggers memories of early childhood trauma and loss. It's upsetting. People should only say this to themselves if it brings them comfort
This is mine too. It’s bullshit.
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Sometimes that reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions
It makes my blood boil
Came here to say this. I went through a lot of stuff in childhood that messed me up for life – I don't care if it happened for a reason, and as far as I'm concerned, there will never be a good enough reason for it, ever. It just feels so... dismissive.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
What doesn’t kill you hurts and can scar you for life.
I prefer, whatever doesn't kill me better fucking run. I'm sick of life having the upper hand
"What doesn't kill you makes you ugly" -- lyrics in some song I've heard. It's true, our rough lives and suffering leave ugly marks on our faces.
From the same sort of person: "god send his hardest battles to his strongest warriors".
Yeah and for a more literal take, try telling that to someone with muscular dystrophy...
"that's not very lady like"
Yoo this annoys the sh* out of me. Most of the time it's my auntie that says it to me because I'm sitting with my legs open, swearing, or not doing something in a particular way 🙄 I'm female, doing these things, so yes, it is 'lady-like'
Omg. I constantly heard this from my 6th grade teacher, whose worldview just could not handle a tomboyish 11 year old, so she constantly came down on me like a ton of bricks. She was like my own personal Aunt Lydia.
I usually burp in response to that
"i'm a goddam lady so i'm defining what is lady like or not"
I hate this phrase don't get me wrong, but I'll joke around and say this to my friends. All of our parents have pushed this narrative on us
UGH SAME I HATE IT. I HEAR THIS EVERYDAY TOO AND IT ANNOYS THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME 😐
“Nothing matters as long as the baby is healthy”
Also, as someone who has a medically complex “not healthy” baby, I deeply resent that. 🥴 it’s not the only thing that matters.
But the only purpose of women is to bear childs, didn't you know that?
Yeah, that is appalling. I don't know if I've ever heard someone use it in that way, usually I hear it in response to questions about the gender or other over steps regarding parenting decisions or living situations so I've always thought it was quite a diplomatic way to end a conversation. You're absolutely right that mum's overall health is equally important and it should never be said in regards to her sacrifice!
“That means he likes you” ugh when people tell little girl that bays bully them because they like them it just toxic
Bruh, I didn't even realize parents could have been unintentionally grooming their daughters for DV relationships
Now that I think about it, that could be why a lot of women stay in abusive relationships, and don't fully understand they're being abused
"I'm being brutally honest"
Right people just say that to weakly excuse being straight up mean.
"oh ok so you're an asshole... what do you mean i'm being rude ???"
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My mom said this a lot... we don't talk anymore. A well adjusted adult expresses their thoughts without being hurtful.
“Not trying to be rude but…” [then proceeds to say very unnecessary rude things]
or similarly "with all due respect" which is always followed by something disrespectful
Same energy as "I'm not racist/homophobic/sexist ect but..."
“Why are you yelling?”
gets understandably angry and yells during argument
Calm down
''Stop getting so hysterical"
"Don't get so defensive"
“You are overreacting” 🤬
"Don't be depressed, just choose to be happy!"
Uugh, I feel you, there's also "Yeah, well someone always has it worse than you", which is just so helpful to hear and totally doesn't invalidate my feelings, at ALL. I don't think people realise just how dangerous this is to say to someone who is already struggling.
"It's all in God's plan."
After my cancer surgery I was visited by the hospital chaplain. I politely told her thank you but I’m an atheist..
If God's plan was for millions of people to die from incurable cancer then why the fuck would you worship him.
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This one pisses me off too for various reasons- other than just being dismissive and invalidating.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best” okay but if your worst is abusive behavior then please walk away forever
The people who love this quite the most are ALWAYS the worse and have no best.
People who use the phrase "handle me" are just awful. I want to hang out as equals, you make it sound like you need to be endured.
I like the take of “if I can’t handle you at your worst, maybe you should stop being such an asshole”
Growing up latina, I've always hated the phrase 'calladita te ves más bonita'.
Wowwwww holy shit thats awful
My mom used to say “just sit there and look pretty” when I would disagree with her. She said it to my stepdad and brother too, so thought it was okay, but I went off on her about what it implies when she says it to me, a woman (and PhD), that it doesn’t when she says it to them. She doesn’t say it to me anymore and has almost completely stopped saying it at all
"A las chicas hay que verlas, no oírlas"
I get told you look good 👍 when you're quiet 🤫 but when I'm quiet 🤫 I get asked what's wrong or what's stressing you. You have a roof over your head and whatnot 🤨😑😏 as if a person can't be quiet without stressing
“As a man…” when it’s completely irrelevant to whatever he’s saying.
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"Not everything is about race"
This. Especially in cases when it very much is about race!
I was looking for this one. This and every white fragility tactic used to shut down poc. Oh and “I just don’t see color.”
Asking respectfully, why do you hate this? Do you think everything is about race, or do you think people use this phrase when it's not warranted, or some other reason?
Everyone who says this makes everything about race both consciously and subconsciously. They only say this just to shit us up about an issue.
"Welcome to the real world"
Often used by assholes who is disillusioned into thinking that everyone else is actually an asshole too
Yes, I hate this. Like thank you, I'm not fucking 5 years old. I know how shit works, I know that things sometimes suck ass, fuck off.
Referring to your partner, or more specifically your wife, as “the old ball and chain”
Oh dear this reminds me that in Finnish, husbands/boyfriends have a habit of callong their partner "hallitus" which literally means "government"... As if they have to ask permission or are taxed by them. When I need to consider, discuss or ask something from my partner I do it because I appreciate her input and at all points want to do what is best for us - because they're my partner, not my overseeing governing committee!
Yes I hate it! Also, when people go oh, guess we know who wears the pants in the relationship with a knowing smirk on their face.
“It was just a joke.” (used as a reason to say something obviously offensive that they think is true)
Or ...I was just kidding. Everything that is said with these expressions following them is something the asshat that said it means to their soul.
It is what it is.
...if it wasn't, it wouldn't be.
Came here to say this exact one!
“Sorry not sorry”
I just commented this one, I hate it!
So many... but here are a few that drive me insane:
I hate the cold one. Related to that, I also hate hearing “you just need more meet on your bones” (said to me when I’m cold.)
I just hate the word “adulting “
Fall/fell pregnant. Unless they tripped onto a partner while naked, there is no falling involved in becoming pregnant.
Or "we're pregnant". No. SHE'S pregnant.
This one drives me nuts!! It makes pregnancy sound like a terminal illness.
It has its origins from the term “fallen women”- the term “fall pregnant” was only really used when women were not married. I hate it too.
saying “females” instead of “women.” and often the connotation it implies
MenAndFemales
“Smile!”
Bonus point if it comes from a client or a « you’d look better smiling »
“You’ll feel differently when you have kids”
"You'll change your mind!" Well it's also possible that you'll eventually change YOUR mind and regret having children, but for some reason bringing that up is "rude" while the original bingo...isn't?
When I was a teen and said I wasn't interested in having kids, adults would usually chuckle and say "You'll change your mind when you get older." Well, here I am, 59 and childless; when, exactly, was that supposed to kick in?
Boss girl Boss babe Girl Boss Chick Boss
Reminds me of when Ruth Porat, arguably one of the most powerful and influential business people in the world, got referred to as the "Lady CFO" on an analyst call shortly after she became CFO of Google. Her response was just withering, and rightly so.
I hate the term Girl Dad!!! Wtf is that? Why do you think you're special because you actually want to parent your daughter? So many celebrities are like yeah I'm such a girl dad and I'm just like why can't you just be a good parent regardless of your child's gender?!
Wow, you really don't seem like you have........ fill in whatever. Adhd, ptsd, any invisible disability. It's so insulting and dismissive.
Them: You don't look disabled!
I’d also lump in “you don’t look gay” with this one.
I'm autistic, and have a history of being on the receiving end of abuse, but my job involves dealing with customer complaints. My boss is always going on about how empathic I am and how good I am at sympathising with customers. I keep trying to point out that I'm not remotely empathic and don't honestly give a damn, and my skills are a fun combo of years of masking and learning to placate my abusers. Like I appreciate that whatever I'm doing works but it does not come naturally! It's exhausting!
“I’m gonna put you on the spot now” DON’T.
When teachers do this. I had a professor who loved to call people out individually and it pissed me off, especially since the class was 4 hours and started in the morning.
A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter her entire life.
🤔 wow. I never heard this one before
“Trust me, you’ll like it”
“No offense but,”
(Proceeds to either say something that wasn’t offensive and the “no offence but” wasn’t important, or they say something very, very offensive)
“Calm down”
Had to scroll too far for this one.
I hate it when people tell to "comon, cheer up! HaVe fUn🥴!!" Now I feel awkward and am definitely not going to have fun
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Real eye realize real lies
“Because I said so”. My parents used to use this phrase all the time 🙄
“Not to be devils advocate”
I've started telling people that the devil has enough advocates whenever "playing devils advocate" ends up being code for "I want to see how much bigotry I can get away with"
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When I am moody or somewhat off, there is always one person who asks something like "aRe YoU oN yOuR pErIoD?!" Or "hOw ArE tHe HoRmOnEs ToDaY?!"
NOT. EVERYTHING. IS. ABOUT. PERIODS. Sometimes it's your fucking actions, asshole.
Bros before hoes 🤮
No matter how hard girls try, they always become their mothers. No one thinks about how unfunny that is to daughters of abusive mothers. We are not doomed to become them, it balls down to choice.
One of my main goals in life has always been to not be like my horribly abusive mother. If I can accomplish that, it is breaking multiple generations of the abuse cycle. So far, so good!
A high value man.
“You think that was bad?”…. And then they start the bad experiences Olympics…
"Just sayin......"
So many:
"A real woman"... then goes on to say something misogynist.
Yup. Real woman/ real man.
"get out of your comfort zone"
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“Wife material” or “husband material.” I know people have different interpretations, but to me it sounds like “responsible, stable person to pay the bills/ raise the kids/ maintain the household when I’m done having fun with more attractive partners.”
“We’re pregnant”
Yep I commented this before I noticed you said it. This INFURIATES me.
"Thank God" for the work someone else did (like doctors) or "It's God's will" as an excuse for something good/not planned but not for something bad (be consistent). I feel it keeps others from thinking critically when they throw these phrases a million times a day.
“The proof is in the pudding.” No, fool. No it is not. My dead pal William Camden did NOT write anything like that in 1605; instead he wrote “All the proofe of a pudding, is in the eating.”
You're just being emotional.
"I was just joking" ... after saying something super rude. ok thanks?
money can’t buy happiness
“We did a thing!”
"Nice guys finish last" followed by sulking.
“I’m a realist” usually said after something rude or insensitive
When a politician says "let me be perfectly clear about this"...(means they are lying)
Man up
I haaaaate when a parent doesn’t want their kid doing something and they say, “No thank you, (insert name). No thank you!” Barf!
"Littles" is the absolute W O R S T. I throw up a little in my spirit any time I read it (have been lucky enough to not have to hear it in person yet, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually).
"she wore it so she basically asked for it"
"I'm not like other girls"
It's just who I am so you'll have to deal with it"
legit same energy as “if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” - which is one i hate a LOT
The "new normal." I got so sick and tired of hearing that phrase during the pandemic.
"Good vibes only."
Any of the toxic positivity shit
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
“i’m just a really blunt person, idgaf”
“I’m just being hOnEsT! Would you rather I lie?!”
"You will find it in the last place you look."
“The Lord healed me”
When Woman say, I had a ‘natural’ birth, or I went through 21 hours of ‘natural’ labor. As opposed to what, an ‘un natural’ birth!?. I find that most of my friends that say this didn’t have an epidural and feel somewhat superior. It’s painful as hell and choosing to use medication does not make the experience any less natural
So many women shamed my friend who had a C-section after like 10-12 hours of labor. She was cut open, had her organs removed, and a baby cut out of her!! How the [email protected]#$ does that make her less than them?
"Girls aren't smart, they're just hardworking."
Sorry...I'm chiming in....I HATE when people say, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"
"He's/She's in a better place"
“It was god’s plan”
“Pop that pussy”
“Can confirm” and “Don’t stick your dick in crazy”
“Beauty is pain” 😒
“My bad”
There’s so many! I’ll try to keep my answers less overtly political here:
Just the terms fur baby/pawrent. Not saying you can't love your animal like your own child, but those terms usually just come from people whose only personality trait IS their "fur baby." Ick.
Busy moms.
"It is what it is".
You should smile....
Anytime some dude says a woman was/is "crazy". Very likely they are just a moron who deserved to be flipped out on
“I’m a bad bitch”
"Bust a nut."
It annoys me so much when people say “oh my Lanta”
“Really shit the bed on that one”
"This is the way" in response to any reddit comment
That’s cray cray….absolutely makes my skin crawl
“Well, what can you do?” Usually with a stupid shrug. A lot, there’s usually a lot you can do…or at bare minimum SOMETHING.
“Let god handle it.”
This too shall pass. Ugh
‘Cheeky chappy’
"Playing the devil's advocate here.."
"no offense but, -"
Gaslighting - everyone got a shiny new word and won’t stop using it. “I seen” - you don’t seen things, you saw them. Speak correctly. Literally- please please stop. It is ALL literal, you don’t need to say that. Narrative - overused
"Sorry not sorry." "Just sayin."
I'm sorry you feel that way