Boyfriend putting pressure on me to accept his parents apology for treating me like garbage. I don’t want to hear it. Am I in the wrong?

  1. I'm a gay person. I am glad his parents are twisting in the wind and facing consequences for their behavior, and I don't blame you for being skeptical that they've changed after such prolonged mistreatment. It sounds, however, like there's reason to hope that they've been trained to understand what they will and won't get away with, and will behave themselves going forward so that interactions will be more tolerable. Because here's the thing: your boyfriend clearly wants interaction. He wants a partner who will spend time with his family. If you're determined that he won't get that while that partner is you, then it's possible you want different things, and this is an insurmountable obstacle that means your relationship has run its course.

  2. Thank you for such a valuable comment! I couldn’t agree more. It’s so difficult :( it sucks too because I think it’s rooted in homophobia I’m strangely vindictive. Like if it was pure dislike that’s one thing, but I genuinely believe it’s straight up homophobia so weirdly I want revenge. If anything, I’m terrified that if they do a “non apology” and scuttle around what happened I’ll cuss them out and things will get ugly. I told bf this was a possibility, and he didn’t care. All he said was if we don’t like what they have to say, he will cut them off too. I just think it’ll be awkward at this point. I’ve talked so much shit about them and they know it. I feel it cant be fixed.

  3. I would be on the look out for an actual apology (assuming you are willing to hear them out). A six part apology is a good place to start:

  4. This is exactly what I’m after. His family is wonderful at avoidance, they’d sooner die than give an apology like this. But this is absolutely what I and my partner deserve. Thank you for your kind words!!!!!

  5. "It isn't me they miss. It is having me to take out all of their aggressions and dissatisfaction because they could not accept you as being gay. Us moving away and having our own life has proved to them that we can live without them. As long as they could say and do what they want, they were happy. Now that they know that I will not tolerate their BS they want me to forgive.

  6. Just by looking at the dates on your post history it doesn't look like you have been NC very long. I think it is completely valid to say you need time to heal and you can revisit it in future - this isn't going to be something that fixes itself in weeks or months because it took 7 years to get where you are.

  7. Hasn’t been long at all. Half a year now. I’m assuming because the holidays are coming up this is where the excessive subtle guilt trips are coming from.

  8. An apology after seven years? Yeah, no. They can be sorry all they want, you gave them enough chances to do better. Your boyfriend needs to understand you have tried enough already.

  9. An apology after seven years? Yeah, no. They can be sorry all they want, you gave them enough chances to do better. Your boyfriend needs to understand you have tried enough already.

  10. Honestly, it sounds like your partner is still in the fog and wants to go back to sweeping things under the rug. I personally have never been with anyone who I'd accept that treatment from their family for that long, just to be with them. I'm also an expert at cutting people off and think I'd take him up on his offer to break up if he threatens that again. He didn't defend you for 7 years and now that his parents are reaping the consequences of their actions, he wants you forgive and allow them to have access to you again.

  11. I wouldn't want them near me either, but you're forgetting one important thing. This matters to your SO. His words are also hurting you- evil, vindictive, etc. Neither is healthy for your relationship.

  12. Could they begin with a written apology to you? The wiki has a recipe for how to do an apology properly. I think BF could coach them (and probably should bc a mangled apology is worse than none).

  13. Maybe you should let them show their true colours one more time. Give them enough rope to redeem or hang themselves. Then be done and remind DH every time he wants to you to reconnect with them.

  14. The thing about forgiveness is that you forgive someone for yourself and your needs.You let go of the angry and hurt, so you can move on. Giving someone forgiveness should not be about pardoning their bad behavior so they can discard the guilt their feeling. True forgiveness takes A LOT of time. How can your partner expect you to forgive them when you aren’t healed from the years of their abuse?

  15. I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve said - thank you so much for your input. Forgiveness is very difficult for me right now, and I’ll be thinking a lot about everything!

  16. Based on your story, you should try to listen to them and give them a second chance. If they mess up, you both cut them off. If you don’t, you’ll lose your partner eventually.

  17. I would never stop my partner from seeing them. All I ask is that they do not contact me and do not come around me. He claims I know “that that truly means they can’t come around either of us. That I can say that because it basically means cutting us off from them”

  18. What does hearing their apology mean to the boyfriend? Let's assume you hear them out and accept the apology. Now what. Does that mean you're expected to have some amazing and perfect relationship with them, as if all the hurtful things of the past didn't happen? Does boyfriend feel that's a realistic outcome to expect?

  19. They literally didn’t care until we moved and I cut them off. I confronted them before I left and didn’t like their answers, but my spouse says it’s because they were “taken off guard and didn’t realize something was wrong”

  20. I know :( but it’s where the lines are drawn that bother me. Like does someone being possibly homophobic justify me as a gay man completely cutting them off?

  21. Theres no way he can force you to have a relationship with his parents, tell him he can have whatever relationship he wants with them but you will remain NC.

  22. Exactly, that’s exactly how I feel. He isn’t letting it bother us to much, but he does subtle guilt trips from time to time. Like “they miss you so much” etc. I just ignore it honestly. They know what they did!

  23. You don't have to give assholes another shot at being a good person. My MIL had 14 years to NOT be a cunt to me. 11 years NC now and it was 100% right decision. She can stay fucked off.

  24. This is good stuff. I'm wondering if it might be worth a meeting, listening to whatever they have to say, JUST so you could tell them all of this.

  25. THIS. This 100 percent. That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t care if they’ve “grown” it was at MY expense and if I didn’t confront them on how they were treating me, they’d still be doing it. They are just pissed that the tables turned. They have more to lose by me cutting them off than they reverse, and I think it hit them.

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