UPDATE: MIL lost control, and will "punish" us one last time

  1. I don't understand why people would rather die than genuinely apologize to those they supposedly care about. Completely bizarre to me.

  2. This is a very sad situation you are in. You can tell yourself it is not your fault, which it isn't, until your blue in the face, but that feeling will linger because you are dealing with loss. Guilt is part of the grieving process. When those thoughts of guilt creep up remind yourselves that she is no longer suffering.

  3. It doesn't help to proclaim you and your wife have nothing to feel guilty about. I still feel guilty from time to time along with other complex emotions like gratitude for the opportunities provided to me and regret at what just could never be.

  4. I'm sorry your wife has to go through processing her mother's selfish, controlling actions, especially as an empath. I'm sorry you have to navigate the grief rollercoaster that is sure to consume your entire family for a while.

  5. You have nothing to be guilty of. I know you KNOW that. In time you will believe it, like the rest of us here. A big ginormous hug from this internet stranger.

  6. I am so sorry. Six years ago my husband lost both of his parents within a two week span. I strongly suggest grief counseling. There are so many emotions that have to be processed from these complicated relationships. It is a long process. My husband just said yesterday that Thanksgiving stull doesn't feel right. Good luck to you. I am sorry for what your family is being put through.

  7. I can’t even imagine what you all are going through. I said on your last post to feel all your feelings. That still rings true. You said your wife is in therapy, but I would also look into therapy for yourself and the kids too, if you haven’t already. Look into support groups. If you have other family and friends that offer support, let them help you.

  8. I am very sorry that your family must endure and work through such a complicated and conflicted sadness. I hope that an even stronger bond and system of support will develop through the strength and care you'll give to your FIL and one another.

  9. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your MIL did this to herself, no one else was responsible for this outcome. She played Russian roulette with her life to try to control you all and it ended up costing her life. She was an adult not a child so your wife can allow herself to grieve but bottom line there was nothing she could have done to change the outcome. I would suggest strongly that you as a family get grief counseling to help you all to come to terms with.what has happened. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. Be kind and take care of yourselves.

  10. Sending gentle hugs if you all want them. Have you considered grief counseling to deal with this aftermath? Please remember The Three C's: You did NOT Cause this, You could NOT Control this, and you could NOT Cure this!

  11. No one should feel obligated to set themself on fire just to keep another person warm. You can't damage yourself to meet the sick needs of another. Remember, your boundary was to protect yourself from her toxicity. What more could you and DW do? Physically restrain her, lock her up somewhere? That would not have brought about change. She never wanted to change. This time she screwed up in her manipulative weapon of choice. This time, she went too far (medically). She passed "going too far" emotionally a long time ago.

  12. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. it's horrible, and it's bound to affect you both, so please take the time to take care of yourselves. many virtual hugs!

  13. I'm so sorry. It is not your fault she chose to do that. I would recommend some type of counselling to try to prevent any guilt on your guys part. Sending love

  14. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope you can all connect with grief counseling that suits your individual needs. It sounds like you have great insight into the needs of your wife and I hope she is able to heal.

  15. You sound like an amazingly empathetic and connected husband and father. Based on the little info you’ve shared, I’d like to point out that you were absolutely meant to be the one for your wife. I imagine you fill so many empty spaces in her soul, from growing up with a mother like that. I’m so glad you both have each other. It warms my heart when I get to witness true and genuine love btwn two people. It’s unfortunately so rare these days.

  16. Please keep telling your wife this is not her fault. Her mother was going to do something for attention anytime you and your wife tried to enforce any boundaries on her. Protecting yourselves from a toxic situation did not make her mother take her own life. She was bound and determined to force everyone to come to her and she went too far. I imagine your wife is sad and feels guilty but after it all settles down I'm sure there will be some relief too.

  17. I won’t say I know what you’re feeling, but I’m familiar with this scenario. My own mother literally killed herself through neglect thinking if she was sick that she would get more attention. At 50 she could barely walk. At 60 she was wheelchair bound and wouldn’t move hardly ever. By 65 she was in and out of the hospital. More in than out. She refused to do her physio. Took too many meds. Wouldn’t move from her chair till her partner (I call him my step dad but they never married) came home from work. She stopped eating. And suddenly within a few days she was gone.

  18. I am very sorry for all the pain, grief and anger you are all going through at this terrible time. All those feelings are normal but you also have the addition of a liberal sprinkling of guilt too.

  19. You need to mentally reframe how this happened. This didn't happen because you drew a simple boundary. This happened because your MIL wanted you to dance to her tune, and to have complete access to and control of you, regardless of your feelings. Had she survived, she would have used this event to further erode your resistance to her will. She would have used your guilt over wanting something to yourselves against you. You would never have known a moment of peace.

  20. Your wife is not responsible for her mother’s actions. MIL reacted to a healthy boundary with an unhealthy behavior. It sounds like your mil wanted to scare your wife into submission with an attempt on her life. That is not normal and she messed around and found out that playing with her health can be dangerous.

  21. This isn't your fault. You had no control over her actions and are not to blame for them. She did this to herself. In trying to "teach you a lesson" she went too far and I think she might have realized that in the end.

  22. Please remember that her actions are no one's but hers. She made that decision and while it was a horrible one, it is not your fault. You have the right to refuse contact for as long as you deem fit, and things like this just reinforce why you did it in the first place.

  23. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️sending your family love and support...

  24. I think you and your wife should focus your energy solely on her father and your daughter for the next two-three weeks. The opinions of anyone else do not matter and do not need to be addressed or answered.

  25. I'm so sorry, I know this is very difficult. But you can't blame yourselves. Your boundary wasn't what made this happen. People can only control their own reactions to things, you have no control over what other people do. Hope you're all getting through OK.

  26. You all need to get counselling over this. MIL did this to herself. A final power play. Get the counselling and don't let your MIL keep punishing you all through her death.

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