MIL flipped out at me, swore and insulted me for an entire night

  1. I'm so sorry hun, what she said was so unnecessarily cutting. She has no right to speak to you like that or to try and control you. I fully support you going NC with her, especially since that was a choice you and your SO made together. United fronts will always win the day. If I may suggest, perhaps since your SO isn't NC he should consider putting her on an info diet and if MIL brings you up at all he grey rock her. She can enjoy "being right" all she wants, I imagine she'll find her cruel words were not worth what it cost her. You, the amazing, lovely, sweet person you are, are the cost. The fact that you're more hurt than angry shows you are an empath and even as a stranger I know I'd be very sad to lose communication with someone like you. I'm sorry she treated you so poorly but chin up sweets, you'll make it through with a good man at your side. I'm positive you and your SO will get your vacation and when that day comes I'm sure wherever he is, SO's father will be so happy to see you two smiling and enjoying life together!

  2. When a controlling, manipulative mother can no longer control her adult son, she will often blame his partner. Because she sees him as something to control. She does not see him as his own man who can make his own choices. She believes that if she isn’t the one controlling him then someone else must be. She acts like you and she are fighting over a toy.

  3. Stop apologising to her. Dont ever do that again. Block her. Go NC. Nobody should speak to you like this. If your boyfriend wants a relationship with her then fine. That's his business. But I'd say you're done OP.

  4. Honestly, you should both go no contact until she apologises to you directly, at which point you acknowledge the apology, and tell her that you still don’t feel comfortable engaging with her right now, and then maintain no contact for at least a few more months. “If I can’t control my son I’ll control you” is INSANE talk, and you need to prove to her that she has no control over either of you, including by proxy.

  5. I am sorry she acted like that. You did not deserve that. You can not control what other people do or say. I would just go NC personally. Her reaction was completely over the top and mean frankly. Her use of control you is also worrying. Ignore going forward. Let BF deal with him mom. Personally I wouldn't have contact with someone who could flip on me like that and be so mean.

  6. She’s admitted she will use you to control her son so the best thing you can do is block her on everything and never speak to her again. She’s an abuser and will happily emotionally batter you to get her way.

  7. Why would you ever apologize to this insane woman?!? You are wrong for doing so. You are also wrong for feeling guilty. She says she wants to control her son and you. Nobody has the right to control anybody unless they're in prison. Are you in prison? No, of course not. Drop this bitch like third period French class.

  8. At 25 I would have done the same as you: feel wronged but try to better understand the situation and not step on more toes then necessary. At 35 I would not giver her any power. You are young and may still feel like you need to respect your elders and stuff but I hope all these comments help you see you are both adults and the way she acted is not acceptable no matter what age. People say crazy things out of fear/ grief/ stress/anxiety/etc and it may not always be ok but what repairs the situation is the person chooses to apologize and move forward. This adult woman does not want to apologize, feels entitled to tell you and her son what and how to live and expects y'all to listen. HA! This could work out if your partner stays on your side and starts at least LC but ultimately, if this is how it is before marriage, expect it to get worse with her when you both do marry. She is crazy. The only thing you did wrong is try to see some good in her. J/k. Don't lose sight of that bc at the end of the day you have yourself to answer to and you should never feel bad about being kind, there should be more of you's in this world, it would be a better place with less of people like her. Stay safe and sane ❤️.

  9. This is the point where you need to let her know that her actions affect whether or not she ever gets to see her future grandchildren.

  10. This 1000%! Save those messages! Your FMIL is unhinged, manipulative, and cruel. I would sever all contact. But I would also work on purging the hate without forgetting the lesson it was born from. That shit erodes the soul. It sounds like this woman is a fountain of negativity, so if you want to keep the hate from staining you, then stay away. She doesn't deserve to have you in her life anymore. I really hope your SO is fed up with her bullshit too, cuz the less contact he has with her the better.

  11. First, she never actually apologized to you. "I'm sorry but" is not an apology. Second, if it were me, I'd completely cut contract with her. She sounds absolutely off of her rocker.

  12. Pfft. Never apologize to that woman again. For what? She told you she'll try to control you if she can't control your partner. That's abusive. If she thinks this way about relationships, it's no wonder she believes you're controlling your partner.

  13. You have my permission to not like her or ever entertain the idea of seeing her again. That will suck for her if you and SO ever have a child that she will never meet.

  14. Do you know why she’s angry? Because she can’t “control her son” (her words). She’s lashing out at you because she’s not top dog and she thinks it’s your fault, not that your partner is his own person with his own opinions and ideas.

  15. Her apology wasn’t an apology. Genuine apologies don’t have buts in them. She said the words but it wasn’t really an apology, she basically was saying I’m sorry you made me do this.

  16. She isn't sorry, she' hasn't seen she was wrong she's just telling your partner what he wants to hear so that he will rug sweep and she can carry on as before.

  17. She sounds like a genuinely awful, vile excuse of a human being and you shouldn't accept an apology even if given one. The things she said are inexcusable and super abusive. Do not let this woman walk all over you for even a second or you will spend the rest of HER life dealing with the same.

  18. Block her. My MIL is also nuts but excuse me? She says “she will control you and she would haunt you” ? Honey please. She is danger. Mentally unstable. Block her. Don’t ever communicate with her again. I am going to bet if you have said this to her, she would talk about it to everyone and make them see you are dangerous. She would never speak to you again and put your DH against you. Do the same.

  19. Stop apologizing to her and capitulating to her demands. She is doing this because you've proven it works. She said mean things and you cancelled your trip. She told you she would control you and so far she is right. She is controlling you. Dont apologize to her. I'd stop communicating with get at all. I would block her on any means of communication. I would also tell SO that he can have whatever relationship he wants with his mom, but you won't have someone that is so disrespectful to you in your life.

  20. Girl, did I understand you correctly that YOU apologized to HER? Oh, no no no! You need a pep talk from the mirror! You have nothing to apologize for and I hope you've preserved these attacks from her - just so that you can forgive yourself for not wanting to make nice!

  21. Yup I was really upset because I felt it was sooo unfair that the man I love has this mother and hence this woman will be my MIL… But I guess life isn’t going to give me everything I want

  22. I would go no contact with her honestly. Tell so she is his problem now that you are going to have nothing to do with his mother and its his choice if he wishes to continue to speak to her. Make it very clear though that you are not making him chose his mother or you just that you have decided you will no longer deal with her, see her, spend time with her, and even talk to her. Then block her on every thing. Also I don't know you so I don't know if you would do such a thing but when the people she said she spoke to come after you for what you "did to her". Simply explain to them what happened if you want and if they still don't believe you be petty like i would and send the messages to them! then let them decide for them self and if they still wrong you and side with her block their ass's to. Also if you have any kids with your SO. You should instantly discuses either before you have the baby or even get prego. What you guys are going to do. Are you going to let him take the kids to see his mom or even talk to her at all or do you wish for them to not know this devil of a woman. And again make sure you let him know that any of the kids seeing his mom he has to deal with. Also be sure to set any and all boundaries and if any boundaries are pushed instant time out for how ever long you want it to be and make it longer the more they are pushed. Good luck dear.

  23. WOW...I'd just check out after this. My only message after this would be, you better suck up to your son. Because if it is up to me, you'll never see him again or meet any of your grandchildren. I hope that "you were right" is a comfort when they are born and you aren't welcome.

  24. She is gaslighting you. You did NOTHING wrong my dear. You don't have to accept her apology and if I were you, I wouldn't. She didn't mean it last time I bet you she doesn't mean it this time.

  25. omg. I think she thinks she’s married to your guy. set boundaries before it’s too late. I learned to cuss the shit out of my exMIL with a sweet smile and “yes ma’am” look on my face for almost 20 years! girl, all this shit builds up inside of you. stand up for yourself and your man if he’s missing testicles.

  26. Drop the rope and go NC. SO needs to grey rock any info she asks about you. She burned the privilege of knowing about your life. Or entering your home.

  27. Un-cancel, go on your damn vacation, and go no-contact. Live your damn life, you've been responsible about it, but you're letting this JN walk all over you.

  28. It sounds like they cancelled partly because of omicron (unless I'm reading it wrong). I would say consider uncancelling. No sense in taking a spite vacation only to get the 'rona and accidentally prove the bitch right lol

  29. Let’s be clear about something: she didn’t apologize. She literally said she was correct — which doesn’t mean she’s sorry at all. And the statement “If I can’t control my son, then I’ll control you” is…nothing short of psychotic.

  30. Grant her wish: don't step foot in her house ever again. Ignore her very existence. If she's on fire and your bladder is full, don't piss on her kinda thing. Her "apology" is bullshit; she only said that after 3 hours of getting what she deserves. Her heart still hates you. She wants to control you, if she can't she will hate you forever blah blah blah. Ignore the cuntasaurus like she is the latest strain of rectal Covid. And......STOP apologising to the bitch.

  31. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. She is right because you are letting her control you. Stop that now.

  32. Drop the rope. Block her everywhere. No communication whatsoever with her from you. Your partner communicates with his mother and that is it.

  33. She literally threatened you and then told you that she was going to control you. I just don’t see how any sort of relationship with her is possible. I’m glad your SO stood up to here but she needs some hard consequences to her actions. You didn’t deserve any of that and she was completely out of line.

  34. I’m mortified for you that you felt like you had to apologize to that woman about anything. I am livid on your behalf. I strongly encourage you to immediately go NC with this woman. If she wants a relationship with you, the. She needs to work damn hard to repair the damage she caused.

  35. I can’t believe that in dating 5 years, this is the first time MIL has been so vocal. You can’t allow others to yell, swear and disparage you. If this is new behavior, insist that SO take her to a doctor, something is seriously wrong. If it is continuing behavior, remove yourself.

  36. Yes, if this new behaviour from MIL get her checked by a dr, especially for an UTI. If this is just a blowup of what’s been happening for the last 5 years, then drop the rope. She doesn’t exist for you anymore. Blocked on everything. Your SO doesn’t get to talk about you to her either. Total info block on his part.

  37. After all the things she said I wouldn’t have apologized and I probably would have just responded with “piss off and learn some respect.” And left it at that. Do not try and placate her behavior or try and take the brunt of her ego and trashy behavior.

  38. Sorry to say, you're never going to have a good relationship with this monster. You won't ever be able to trust her. While she may apologize from time to time, if she doesn't change the behavior, it's meaningless. She's apologizing that her son is mad, not that she was wrong.

  39. You have to know that this is exactly how she’ll react anytime she doesn’t get her way or doesn’t agree with a choice you two make as grown adults.

  40. Your relationship with her is long over. Have nothing to do with her. When she said she can’t control him, so she’ll control you instead is insane. Re-plan that vacation, as the variants are going to pop up every six months from now on anyway. Just don’t tell her about it until after you get home.

  41. Cut contact. This won’t be the last time she does this… that’s his crap to deal with. Block her and don’t look back.

  42. She doubled down, after being a piece of shit threatened and guilt-tripped you again, and you apologized?

  43. NTA. But she’s never going to change. Let your partner see her if he wants, but you should go NC. This woman has effectively threatened you on multiple occasions. She basically admitted to using your reaction to her to control your partner. It’s good he stands up to her, but she’s never going to change. So she doesn’t need to be part of your life.

  44. Stop telling her your business. Discuss you favorite color, the weather, if the latest fashion trend is going to last but nothing personal!

  45. She’s crazy but your partner yelled at her for 3 hours? Please don’t commit your life to someone who would yell at his mother like this. It means he’s irrational and not in control. You are young, get out. Please. 🙏

  46. Oh honey, he was trying to get through to an irrational, unhinged woman. You can’t get through to someone like that but I don’t blame him at all for trying

  47. This. He could have hung up the phone after one minute. No need to yell at all. She might be looking for negative attention, but three hours of yelling is simply unhinged. No one is the good guy here.

  48. The funny thing is, I agree with your MIL’s position that people should not be traveling internationally especially now, but the way she handled it was so atrocious that in your shoes I would absolutely be no contact.

  49. sounds like an easy block on all communication channels to her, and let SO minimize contact as much with her as possible, and enjoy your vacation!

  50. Save all the abusive messages and block her from contacting you in any way. Let your SO knpwshe is not welcome in your home.

  51. You haven't done anything wrong. Some women just can't accept that their babies have become adults. She is choosing this path. She is choosing to ruin her relationship with her own son. Nobody is forcing her to say such mean shit or to burn bridges. It is ok to just move forward without her in your life. She's not sorry for what she said- she meant it. She is sorry that her son didn't back down. Grieve for whatever relationship you had hoped to have with her, and move on. The best revenge is a life well lived. So go live well and be happy while this hag stews in her bitterness.

  52. She now gets one short proof of life call a week (or month). Every nasty text delays that call by a random amount (roll a die...d4 if you want to be nice, d20 if not). The response to the text is a pic of the die (or not). Her new ringtone is dnd or silent.

  53. Save every single one of these threats against your life. This is a forever relationship killer for me.

  54. I would have never told her that the trip was cancelled cause no matter the reason she thinks you did it for her. Stop chasing this woman and block her from your phone.

  55. Seriously why are you apologizing to her for? That’s confusing. She should. Girls have that tendency to apologize- but don’t do it anymore. You aren’t wrong. You do you.

  56. Stop apologising to her! You don’t owe her any kind of apology! She’s having tantrums worse than my toddler and being deliberately hateful manipulative and controlling. Honestly her behaviour is disgusting and if my MIL spoke to me like this that’s the last she would ever see or speak to me again. I’m glad you SO has your back, hopefully that doesn’t change

  57. She doesn't think she's wrong. She's expressing genuinely mentally ill points of view about you and you should be cutting all contact with her instantly. She. Is. Lying. About. Being. Wrong. He can deal with her, but you need to be done.

  58. Don't apologize to her, you've done nothing wrong! Your partner makes his own decisions, you don't control him. Same for MIL. She's the only one who needs to apologize in this situation. She doesn't want you to set foot in her house? Done. Cut her off, and do it gladly. You're better off without that toxic bench in your life. Hopefully your partner can see that as well.

  59. This women isn’t just narcissistic but highly unstable. Wierd threats and comments that would make me feel like she was unsafe to be around at any point. If I were you, I would never - ever - speak to this person again. Block her number so she can’t text/phone you and if she wants to rant and rave to your spouse then that’s for him to handle. I would never go to her home or allow her in yours. This is sick and twisted verbal abuse.

  60. Considering the new variant, protect your backsides and make sure you have up to date wills and enduring power of attorneys. Keeping her drama causing ways shut down if you are ina vulnerable position later.

  61. Agreed. She clearly loses all sense of perspective when she gets angry. She’s already said more than one thing that should be the end of any relationship you share.

  62. Hi! I saw you commented somewhere that you decided not to show messages from MIL to your parents at your SO’s request and wanted to add one thing! ❤️ If you haven’t thought of this already or someone hasn’t said it already, I think it would probably be a good idea to save all text messages, emails, VM etc that she sends to you hear on out. Just to keep a good record of her escalation and gaslighting. She sounds like just a horrible rotten person. Sorry you’re going through this! Sending you lots of hugs! ❤️

  63. I think at this point she needs a long time out. No reason to spend the holidays with her, because you are not welcome in her house, and since she threatened you and called you vile names, she is not welcome in your house. If she apologizes, "Thank you for the apology, however, I cannot get over what you said so easily and that you thought it was the right thing to do. What other kinds of vile behavior would you be able to justify? Right now I don't think I could be civil to you, so I am taking a break from you until after the holidays."

  64. Please remake plans for your holiday. Don’t publicize any of your plans on social media, just plan it, go, and enjoy the hell out of yourselves. The hateful bitch can find out after you leave from her son’s social media because she should be blocked from yours. Block her on everything, including your phone.

  65. Background info is that we are Chinese and in our culture it is rude to say rude things to your superior. She milked the heck out of this concept by saying ‘I am your elder, I can say what I want’

  66. "If I can't control my son I will control you" I'm so disgusted and honestly a bit frightened for you by these words. I can imagine being so shocked that you have no idea how to react to that in the moment.

  67. I actually gasped out loud reading those words. OP you deserve better than this. If you feel you cannot cut contact with her then please just stop apologizing. You are not in the wrong and it's reassuring her that her behaviour is working to control you both.

  68. So because she "can't control her son she'll control you" and if he's standing up to her it must be you controlling him. Hmm. She's a real gem isn't she? Well, hopefully his sister grows up and moves out soon so you can cut ties.

  69. I'm sure she only 'realized what she said' because her son told her he would have nothing further to do with her, nor would any children you have together!

  70. NC is the way. You aren't dealing with a healthy, normal person that just needs a little compassion for an occasional mistake. You are dealing with a crazy person that cannot feel guilt for any action, no matter how evil it is.

  71. The way I see it she banned you from her house and expressed a desire to never see you again. So block her on everything and inform your BF that you're just respecting her boundaries.

  72. She yelled and insulted you and you apologized?!?!?!?!?! No wonder she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she said. Please do better for yourself, take her at her word, and never go over there again.

  73. This OP, and don't talk to her without a sincere apology. "I'm sorry if you feel/felt.." etc are not sincere apologies.

  74. My cut off for decades now MIL did something similar toward the end of our relationship with her. She sent a horrible, abusive message almost identical to what you got. I only responded because I knew that was the final time I was ever going to speak to her in this lifetime. My response : “I know you think this upsets me, but I actually want to thank you for this message. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that you’ll be out of our lives forever. I can sleep well knowing that by your own choice, you will NEVER poison our children with your toxicity, as you will never meet them or be part of their innocent lives. Im smiling as I write this, knowing we will never have to put up with your bullshit ever again. If I ever had any doubt about declaring you dead to us, you just erased it completely by doing what you’ve done…that can’t be unsaid or unheard. I don’t wish you ill will, I only wish you what you deserve. I won’t know how it turns out, because we will not be around to watch. This is where we leave each other.”

  75. Be glad she showed her true colors now and not another 5 years of fakery in. Her loss, enjoy your life without such an asshole in it. BYE FELICIA.

  76. Does your SO still plan on having her in his life? In yours? Regardless, I seriously suggest you two go to counseling to learn how to navigate these feelings you’re having in a healthy way and so that you two can workout how to lose contact with his mother or keep a healthy distance (whatever you prefer, but you deserve so much better than her presence in your life)

  77. He doesn’t want to go NC, but something along LC or VLC, because he feels if he goes NC, then she will take out her anger on his sister who still lives with her.

  78. Please consider that having SO “yell at her for three hours” is an incredible amount of energy to be spending on such a nasty person. And it gives her attention. Some people like even the most negative attention because it still means the other person is focused on them. Your SO would be better off ignoring her ridiculous outbursts. But that’s up to him to decide.

  79. I apologised because I hoped it would calm her down but nooooooo. Never again. I can see this happening again in the future if we have too much contact, for SURE

  80. She basically threatened to kill you "if something happens to him" and has openly expressed her general hatred of you. Block this woman and go NC, OP.

  81. The holiday is too risky now, per OP - nothing to do with MIL. Australia shuts its borders for Covid at the drop of a hat (which has saved a lot of lives, but has had its own cost). An overseas holiday that you can relax in without fear of getting stranded has been nixed by Omicron.

  82. I cried for an entire day and night because of how much she hurt me. I had a good relationship with her before. I went on this subreddit looking for similar MILs so I could see what played out there but could not even find anything.

  83. And when her friends all criticize you, feel free to show or play those messages for them so they can see what she’s really like.

  84. Your MIL is an awful human who gave you an easy out. Now you never have to endure her abuse again and she's the one who said so! Block her on everything and drop the rope. SO is going to have to find his own path here though

  85. She’s an asshole for leaving those messages to you and your husband / partner has to speak up for you and not allow her to speak to you that way Set boundaries and don’t kiss her ass not apologize to her She’s a witch

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