Baby Shower & JNMIL

  1. So as your obviously well aware due to the endless comments letting her care for ur child is going to end up traumatic and awful for u and ur marriage. However, I can’t begin to fathom the atrocities of the American system of which u live so. My advice if u have absolutely NO other options is put her in her place. You and hubby invite her and dad over for dinner to make sure ground rules are set before bubs is born. Go over the usual stuff like having X time to urselves before visitors or no kissing, no this or that etc. Second state some rules for the babysitting. “Mil we wanted to address the babysitting before it happens so we know everyone is on the same page. We appreciate greatly that you are taking time out of your life to do this for us but as new parents I’m sure you understand we will want to parent our way and we need to know that if we set rules or boundaries in place they will be respected. Hubby has tried to set some boundaries already and we are being ignored because “ur doing this for free or ur a first time grandma so can do what you like.” We want to make it clear that this is OUR baby, not yours and if ANY boundaries or parenting choices are broken, we will immediately put baby in proper child care with 0 hesitation. We are happy ur excited to be a grandparent, recent behaviour however is starting to make us uncomfortable about whether or not this will be a positive relationship or if it will cause damage and friction which obviously none of us want. So do we need to arrange an alternative child care before bubs is born? Or is this something we can all agree on?” If the conversation back is defensive or I never did this or when did I break boundaries etc. “We aren’t starting an argument, we are asking if once baby is born, will there be any problems respecting us and our decisions for our family, with this arrangement?” Remember to enforce “Our boundaries are not up for discussion, it’s a simple agreement that regardless of u being paid or not, this is OUR child, not yours and we need to be comfortable with them in ur care. So we need to know if our boundaries will be respected. Otherwise we are happy to organise alternative care.”

  2. What’s best and easiest for her huh? Because she set up her home to keep her is why. This is her do over baby. Y’all will either end up severely damaged or divorced by the time this is over. Just remember you heard it here first.

  3. Congratulations on the little bean. Oooh “free daycare” but with a cost. I’m sorry your mother in law is behaving like she is entitled to your child. It’s great to be excited but to horn in on your experience is just rude. I would give serious thought to finding a back plan. There hopefully are tons of resources in your area. And the gifts you can’t return could go to shelters where less fortunate moms are in need. I hope the boundaries you and your SO work out are held firm and she gets inline. Best of luck.

  4. I really hope you’ve left out all of the times your mom was referred as grandma too otherwise how uncomfortable your mom must have felt.

  5. My exMIL acted the same and I refused to let her be childcare. (My ex had insisted she be childcare cuz momma’s boy) Daycare with childcare subsidy it is. Her childcare isn’t free and she will definitely treat your child as her do-over baby.

  6. This comment is completely unhelpful and is shaming a mother for a choice she made which is most likely a necessity. Not everyone has the means to stay home. This isn't a viable option for many families, nor is it the right path for some mothers. This is a support group. Be supportive.

  7. You are going to need those duplicates. One set of things is never enough. A lot of nerve she has!

  8. Exactly! Especially bowls/plates/silverware because doing dishes is hard when you're chasing your baby 😅

  9. She's going to hold that "free childcare" card over your head forever. She's not going to listen and follow your rules and schedules. She's going to feed it things you don't want, take it places you aren't comfortable with and she's going to basically take over all parenting of your child. And if you complain you will hear her whine over and over about the "free childcare" she's giving you and run right over every boundary you have. And best get DH on your side regarding boundaries and his mother, otherwise you will not just be miserable over JNMIL, you'll have a husband problem too. That line in the sand needs to be drawn NOW, before baby is born, otherwise he's on his mums side and you're fighting two JN's.

  10. Find other childcare. Hers isn’t free. You might not pay with money, but you’ll pay. She will do whatever she wants with YOUR child and claim she can do it because she’s giving you “free” care. If DH isn’t on your side this may cost your marriage. She could rob you of a lot of your motherhood and first experiences.

  11. Yikes OP. You and DH are in trouble. If you want any say in how you raise your own child you need to find your backbone immediately. What happens when MIL lets your infant sleep on her stomach because “that’s how they did it when she was a mom”? Or when your MIL puts cereal in their bottle to “thicken it up so they don’t eat so often”? Or doesn’t feed your child the way you Wanda to feed them? You and your DH have absolutely no boundaries with your MIL, so she is absolutely going to raise your child her way.

  12. This is what free daycare gets you with family. Prepare for more boundary stomping and you will eventually be made to look and feel just like an incubator for her baby.

  13. I just went through you post history and if I were you and DH I’d seriously reconsider having her babysit. You guys need to have a serious conversation with each other about boundaries and what you expect and then talk to her about it. Do you trust her to respect your request as parents? Because based on her behavior I wouldn’t. She says she doesn’t want you to put the baby in date care so you guys don’t put the baby in day care. She says you own mother can’t watch the baby you guys say okay. She says she doesn’t want to watch the baby at your house you guys agree to let her watch the baby at her house. She says you guys don’t want to give her extras at baby shower and she says put them in her pile and you guys agree. You say the bumpers in the crib aren’t safe and she says she’s knows better and they’re fine you guys drop it.

  14. Until she is not watching your child for free, she will stomp boundaries. You both need to get the baby into a daycare by where you work or signed up to go at 6 months because she doesn't care about what you or your hubby wants this is about her and your baby

  15. I’d return everything that wasn’t needed and get diapers or groceries. Hell even get yourself something for postpartum treatment. Those aren’t her items to claim 🙄

  16. Luckily my mother, the normal grandparent, gave me a goodie basket after the shower full of postpartum things for myself, plus a robe and a comfy pajama set to wear in the hospital. They all just kind of stared at us, some glared at her, some whispered, but nobody ever said anything to me after it happened.

  17. Find a new babysitter right now. MIL only gets to see baby at YOUR house on YOUR time. Husband will be giving baby to her full time and you might get some visitation.

  18. And she should get her locks changed and a doorbell camera. If she lives 5 mins away my guess is she’s weaseled a key out of them in case of “emergencies”. Once they tell her she can’t be childcare she’s going to just show up at their house whenever to take baby from you. I’d bet my BSC bingo card granny has a car seat ready to take baby out and show her prop whenever she wants. I’m willing to bet she’s the kind to cross state lines with baby for a trip without telling them too.

  19. Just remember- free daycare is never free. She’s showing you she feels she has equal claim on your LO and probably equal say on child-rearing decisions.

  20. This! We ended up not letting my mom babysit anymore because she’d do what she wanted and wouldn’t respect our wishes and it always came back to “I do you guys a favor babysitting for free” , “I’ve raised 6 kids I can do what I want” “I’m his grandma I can spoil him” and all that bs it became easier to just pay for child care and only see her on our terms so we felt more solid enforcing boundaries. She threw a fit but now she understands and try’s to say she’ll do things our way but we haven’t gone back we don’t even have her babysit on date nights.

  21. All of this is infuriating, but that your husband is so easily worked on by her is perhaps the most worrying aspect.

  22. Ugh. I'm sorry you had to endure that shower. It was gross. And her behavior was gross. You are the mother-to-be but she blatantly and tackily made the event all about her. Just awful. I'm sorry but this wasn't "excitement". This was her marking her territory, shunting you aside, relegating you to being a mere vessel for HER "Grandma Experience". I would be shocked if others at that shower didn't find her self-aggrandizement tacky and insulting to you. I know I would have.

  23. Oh boy. Yes, it makes perfect sense for her to have some things for her house since she'll be caring for LO (crib/pack n play, changing table, toys, etc.). But that's clearly not the problem here. The problem is she's stomping all over y'all's boundaries and refusing to take any responsibility for her actions. Yes, it's good and fine for her to be excited. But she's clearly using the free childcare as leverage to do what she wants.

  24. DH & maybe FIL needs to sit down with her over tea or coffee and explain that the next few months can either make or break her relationship with your family. That she can be a supportive caring grandma who watches her grandchild 8-24 hours weekly, keeps DIL & son informed, & cares for baby just as they ask her too, or she can be overbearing, roll right over them, ruin your new mom & new dad times, provide anxiety & competition and set you both up to not want to ever see each other again. Transition from mom of adult child to grandparents is difficult but she NEEDS to make the effort to NOT PLAY mom, even if she needs counseling to help her over the separation's emotional pain. This is NOT her child, and her new grandparent joy and excitement is trumped a billion times over by the parents' joy for their first child. She needs to ramp it down, give back doubles and anything from 0-3 months, check in with you both what YOU want her to have, ensure FIL doesn't feel that his house is invaded, and when she does start caring for your child, take her out to lunch on a weekend or for some treat monthly so she gets grandparent time vs. carer time and sees how you both interact with baby. Transitioning back to FT grandma when you ARE able to put baby into care or early school will be just as important. You are both grateful but do not want to lose your relationship with her as grandma if she continues overdoing it as though she is third parent. She isn't and you both and only run your household and make all decisions. You need to be able to relax and trust her and she can absolutely ruin that and may do so if she continues unchecked.

  25. Oh gosh this is really alarming. I’m a grandma and I knew I’d be taking care of my grandma from about 8 weeks on. But I kept things in my home to a bare minimum and not pull this kind of stuff because my own mom looked as my new baby when I was 19 as HER NEW BABY.

  26. My dudes, this forum really needs to stop with the "you should pay for childcare" comments. Not everyone can afford daycare. Even if both people are high earners, if you live in a high cost of living area and have a mortgage, well, you have to work.

  27. 100% this! If they could pay for childcare I doubt they would put up with this crap. Decent Childcare pretty much wipes out one working parents income for average earners in the US.

  28. My heart hurts for you. This is almost a joint custody situation. Why isn't she coming to watch your baby at your house? I'm just warning you, these kinds of things like trying to take ownership of my baby, skyrocketed my PPA and I've never recovered from the hurt I felt. I push it down a lot but it's still there.

  29. She says it’s easier for her to watch her in her home rather than come to our house. She lives 5 minutes away. I brought up that it would be difficult on some mornings when we both get up before 4am for work (even earlier once LO arrives) and wake her up, instead of letting her sleep in. We really want to establish a routine with her as best we can, but MIL said this is easiest on her.

  30. You are having a baby FOR HER! You are a means to an end. This only gets worse. You never get to be a first time mom again so you and DH fix this….

  31. I know you may have trouble affording the costs of daycare, but I highly doubt that you can afford the costs of having MIL provide you with "free" daycare. And she can take her guilt trips by herself, you have absolutely zero requirement to go along with her.

  32. This sounds like my personal nightmare! I really hope your mil learns boundaries but it doesn’t sound like it! If I could afford daycare this would be my requirement so I didn’t have to deal with her entitlement! Good luck!

  33. Pretty neat of you and your partner to make her a Do-over baby she can play pretend mum with now that there’s probably a bunch of dollars invested in her set piece nursery.

  34. Free childcare is not free especially when it is already being used for manipulation before it has begun. If there is any way to find an alternative to her as childcare you will save you and your husband huge amounts of tension going forward. Obviously I am not privy to your financial situation but having to fight off an enmeshed entitled person who views themself as a third parent is not going to make this transition into parenthood easier on you and DH.

  35. Make other arrangements, right now, for child care. Anything that doesn't involve her. You are nothing but an incubator to her.

  36. She will take advantage of you at your most vulnerable. I can already picture your baby getting taken from your arms because "I'm grandma". Start setting consequences now before the baby arrives. I'd have an honest conversation about expectations because this behavior is neurotic.

  37. Free childcare is never free. Is the boundary stomping worth the childcare? Many areas have nanny exchanges/ childcare swaps that offer a more affordable option. We went that route for a while due to boundary issues.

  38. You should reconsider letting her watch your child. It may not seem like a huge deal and serious now, but from the sounds of it she will escalate and it could go very wrong, and if she is seeing your child all the time that gives her some grounds for grandparents rights. She’s already calling your baby “her” baby. She probably shouldn’t be around the baby when you or your partner aren’t there...

  39. Time to get into a daycare and not let grandma watch the baby until she can follow rules and boundaries. As first time parents it can be hard to set those but they are needed or else you will not get to raise your own child, she will do it for you.

  40. JNMIL is not providing "free" childcare for you; it comes with major strings and obligations. She has set up her nursery to be "the mom" when she has your LO and I can guarantee she will not follow whatever rules you have for a newborn.

  41. I’m so sorry this will most likely get worse not better once she is watching baby. I don’t mean to fear monger but please have an emergency back up plan for childcare in place for if (when) she starts doing unsafe things with your baby.

  42. I agree with the responses you have received about finding a different child care provider. At a bare minimum you should at least have backup so when things go south you're not backed into a corner. The main problem I've had with family watching my son is that they take liberties without asking or notifying me.

  43. There is no such thing as free child care. Prepare for continued boundary stomping or make other arrangements. Research your other options and get on the wait list(s). You may be stuck with this in the short term but you don’t have to accept this arrangement. Your husband needs to shut this down. If he’s not able to set limits with her then you need couples counseling until he can.

  44. Others have said it, but if I were you I would definitely look into other childcare options. Once the baby is here, it’s only going to get worse. Next time she says “my baby” say “sorry, I think you mean your son’s baby” or even “think you mean MY baby”. She needs to know that’s not okay. My family members constantly did this with my babies too, and I genuinely don’t get why. I would never call someone else’s baby “mine” unless it was “my grandson” or “my nephew”

  45. Just take a few minutes to research child care in your area. Apply now if there is waiting list. It won't cost you anything to apply and it might be something you need. Think about what money is used for-it's a trade for things that make you happier. Is your free childcare going to make you happier-or is using that money for good childcare going to make you happier.

  46. I would 100000% percent look into alternative childcare options bc you’re only getting a glimpse into her entitlement to your child all bc she’s babysitting.

  47. The special grandma journal and grandma journey gifts pissed me off! And even she jumped up and said oh that's for me?! Seems like a grandma shower to welcome her new baby.

  48. Start looking for alternative childcare now because she is only going to get worse once the baby is here and she has daily access and control.

  49. The bedside sleeper is a HUGE no for me. Not only are they not super safe but there's no need for a daycare provider to have one. Firm boundaries need to be established immediately. Yes, she's providing childcare that costs you nothing monetarily, but she's already crossing lines left right and center because she thinks she can get away with it. Don't let her.

  50. Free childcare hey!! Nothing is ever free..theres always a price to pay..just remember that nothing you do or say will be good will be potty trained when she says so...weaned when she says get the picture!!

  51. Totally agree. I'd rather live paycheck to paycheck or live in a one bedroom apartment than to have this type of MIL take care of my child.

  52. Rethink who's looking after your child while your working. She's shown you what she's like this will only get worse when baby is here.

  53. I'd rather quit my job or eat dust than letting her babysit. Sorry OP but you need to come up with alternative otherwise we will be hearing from you again in 8 months time on here...

  54. "free" childcare Uh-Hu sure. The only thing it will cost you is your sanity, your self respect, your heart, your soul. And apparently, your first born child.

  55. I don't think she should be babysitting at all until she can learn to respect you and DH as parents.

  56. This is your child NO? Granny gets what mama/daddy ALLOW. If you don't want her walking all over a boundary you have, TELL her. You can maintain nice until it doesn't work. Who is actually doing ALL the heavy lifting/or having LO dance all over THEIR bladder? Not granny!

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