Plan the all-time worst date in Seattle

  1. Had a date for gas works during 4th of July. Didn’t meet up till an hour after planned because of parking

  2. I generally don’t mind taking time to park or drive around or whatever… but when I know every minute looking is keeping me from Din Tai Fung I revert back to a toddler who’s about to throw a temper tantrum.

  3. I was part of the crew that built the new U Village parking garage in 2019, so this is disappointing to see. Has a third parking garage really not made a difference at all? I fucking slaved away on that job and I would hate to know all of my blood, sweat and puke went to waste.

  4. My husband and I just bought our first house. We were pretty convinced our only option would be a townhouse in Marysville and spent like 6 months convincing ourselves the commute wouldn't be that bad.

  5. Ahh the only place where everybody you know has gotten food poisoning at least once, and some people multiple times.

  6. Honestly, if you’ve never done it before, not a bad first date. Touristy things that either party are experiencing for the first time can be a good time.

  7. First I would pick you up so that the date starts out bad because I had to find parking and I'm annoyed. Then I would take you to one of the restaurants in Pacific place during dinner rush and force you to order family style so we have to split the bill. I order a bunch of appetizers that I don't eat but have them box up so the rest of the date smells like the takeout bag.

  8. Meet in pioneer square for art walk. Make sure to look her up and down before saying she should have more pictures on her profile. She forgets that the streets are cobblestone and wears wedges. Make sure to mock her choice in shoes every time she looks unsteady crossing the street.

  9. I've had nearly the same date inflicted on me, except with slightly different music, an hour long conversation about people at work she didn't like instead of a bukowski reading, and rotating beyween light crying, freaking out due to past trauma, and over-aggressive re-engagement during the making out instead of confusing utterances.

  10. On a Saturday afternoon and then go to Dave & Busters after while there are multiple children’s birthday parties happening.

  11. You walk around stuck in an infinite loop looking for places from your 20s that you think still exist but are long since closed. Piecora, Noc Noc, Glo's, St Clouds, Thompson's POV, The Redwood, Broadway Grill, Po Dog, ......

  12. I did this on a second date, looking for the old vending machine in Capitol Hill! We went in circles for at least half an hour. (Thankfully we’re still together, even though the vending machine is long gone.)

  13. Wait. All these places are gone?! Noooo. Looks like the wife and I are going for a date night drive. Hope I can find parking around those places.

  14. You go downstairs to one of the restaurants on the ground floor of the Amazon buildings. You both work for Amazon and are new to Seattle, so you don't know anything about the city yet and just end up talking about working at Amazon. Also you're opposite gender but the date is so awkward you both start thinking maybe you are gay after all.

  15. Pick up some doughnuts from Krispy Creme off Aurora Avenue in Shoreline and walk up and down Aurora avenue while eating donuts and talking about the hookers.

  16. Dinner at any below 3 star restaurant on Aurora. End with a nice walk to gasworks because I insist it’s only 20 minutes from the north side of green lake but we definitely go the long way and it turns into a 2 hour walk and don’t make any conversation just be preset

  17. Go to the Rickshaw for karaoke but eat the food. Order shrimp. Send back a meal so the cook comes out to yell at you. Sign up to do a song that one of the old regulars thinks is theirs, so everyone gets mad and a bunch of drunks tell you to leave. Spend the next day texting each other from your toilets.

  18. Get tickets to a Huskies football game. You hold the paper tickets, so you must go in together, but she’s coming from work. Tell her to arrive near kick-off time in a car and to find close parking. It’s impossible. Everyone is mad.

  19. Go to chihuly gardens and remark on how everything looks like these cool bongs your best friend Dave has. Halfway through, videocall Dave for several minutes to show him the almost-bongs. Apologize and be normal for a few minutes, then bust out laughing at one and do the same thing again. Make pans to meet up later "if the chick doesn't work out". When the chick inevitably doesn't "work out", blame her for losing you the chance to hang out with Dave.

  20. Walk around Capitol Hill on a Friday night, get some food at Dick’s, then walk down Denny to the other side of I5, and eat eat it under the Denny bridge on Eastlake. Lovely and romantic spot.

  21. You have an overpriced and disgusting brunch with horrible service at Skillet, followed by a tour of the city on a rare 97 degree day in a car with expired tabs and no A/C, using only routes that involve draw bridges with LOTS of boat traffic. Eventually you get back to your date’s Apodment.com 150sq ft studio in Fremont. In the morning although he promised to drop you off, his car has been towed for having too many tab violation tickets or parking in a driveway that’s also in a construction zone or ~something~, so you have to decide between a 2hr, 4 connection bus ride, or a $57 Uber to get back to Des Moines

  22. Tell my date I'm taking her on a boat ride and then go to the ferry dock and sit there for 2 hours because they've had a mechanical breakdown with two of the ferries. Give up and walk up first avenue in the dark to a strip club for a couple of drinks right at the stage. Give her a used-up Orca card for the trip home and put her on a bus.

  23. Pick out a new dining room table at IKEA. That will kill even the most enduring, loving relationship let alone a first date.

  24. Picnic at that shitty little park where there's always bums doing drugs right near Pike Place. The picnic will just be some Lucerne sliced cheese in the zipper bag and dry ass water crackers. I fucked up and didn't bring a blanket so we're on the grass next to some needles and I don't have any plates or shit. Pass the hand sanitizer. Then we hop on the bus to go for a beer at Chuck e Cheese in Lynnwood.

  25. Honestly the part I'm most offended by is the Lucerne cheese. I can do crappy park with no plates, but if you bust out Lucerne when I can SEE Beechers, there will be no second date.

  26. When I was like 15 I went to that park with a friend and some guys kept trying to get us to hit their joint and eventually they backed off but then just left a little nugget of weed on the bench next to us. I still don’t understand that interaction. I wasn’t even a cute teenager.

  27. I’d take my date to an unfamiliar store and then we have a challenge to find the weirdest food product under $5 to feed each other, then we have to kiss afterwards. Is that mummified shrimp I taste on your supple lips, my dear? Eagle talon purée glistens on me gums I’m afraid… Then, we both fart! She laughs. I pause then move in expeditiously for the high five. I don’t blink or break eye contact for a solid 47 seconds. After that I just repeat “when do I get to meet your dad?” over and over in a monotone voice until—I get to meet her dad.

  28. I call it “Thrift Date in Seattle” so you drive and pick them up, going through downtown and eventually getting to Capital Hill. After getting a bite to eat at the good ol Dick’s, you and them just walk from Seattle Central on south until you either get tired of the stores, the atmosphere with no greenery, or hopefully both, then just end up walking to wherever you hopefully parked up near Dick’s. Driving back through downtown of course to drop them wherever they live, somewhere south. I don’t have a northern plan laid out.

  29. Take your date to picnic at gasworks park where the geese crowd down the hill, assure them that the geese are nice like all Canadians are as soon as they get a sniff of you, hand them a dandelion and tell them to close their eyes while you position them to see your favorite view of Seattle when they blow on the dandelion and make a wish. Set them right with the geese and say you’ll take a photo for them on their phone because it looks so perfect. Ask them to count to 10 before opening their eyes for the wish. On the count of 2, throw a picnic basket of dried mealworms up in the air like confetti so it rains down right on them and the geese. Take the photos. Run away with their phone and leave them to the geese. Parkour at the gum wall to pick up your next date.

  30. This guy took me to his 5 different apartment tour on the first date. He was looking for a new house to move in. That was gonna be his house.. not mine. I wasted 5h. Right after that, I said I wanna drink boba. He just dropped me off at boba place alone. Absolutely shit

  31. Merge onto Mercer street from 9th Ave during peak hour. You get to sit in the car and literally can’t do anything else cos the cellular signal there is also nonexistent .

  32. Well shit. There goes my Saturday date idea. We actually did renew our driver licenses one Saturday together. Brunch at the DOL while we waited was never so romantic.

  33. A walk in the driving rain from SODO to Georgetown to a restaurant that is permanently closed. From there hitchhike up to Pike Place Market and spend a couple hours licking the gum wall.

  34. 2 options. 1. Take yer date to A pizza mart for the worst pizza slice in Seattle. 2. Take yer date to Roccos - but then order a vegan pizza lol!

  35. Drive past parking lots and condos reminiscing about the cool bars/restaurants that used to be in those locations.

  36. Burlington coat factory off aurora to find hidden gems like a cracked Brooke's and dunn cd boxed set sitting in the make up aisle while being stared at by creepy pimps who smell like diapers.

  37. I’d take my date on a nice stroll down the gorgeous Aurora avenue. We nearly get hit by a speeding car, but fortunately there’s a convenient cemetery nearby if we had been hit.

  38. Go to sushi kashiba when it opens, but all seatings for the rest of the night are already full. Walk over to Shiro's as a backup but it's also full. Settle for a nearby steakhouse that's just ok but costs $600 for two people. Dodge screaming homeless people on the walk back to the parking lot where you paid $20 for parking

  39. Well firstly, flake on the first 2 dates and then out of the blue text the person you're down to go on the date. Start off with a drive through pike place market on a sunny Saturday right after the cruise ships arrive, find parking strictly in the market. Take the impossibly crowded light rail on a game day to pioneer square, get a cloud of fentanyl smoke blown in your face as you walk up the stairs because all of the escalators are broken, walk to several different restaurants only to find they are closed because it's Monday and that's a thing now? Then, after the game is done and we lost, go to a sports bar and watch middle aged men fight over a bud light and get warm beer spilled all over you, take a $46 uber to belltown and have a nice stroll down 3rd Ave at 3 am.

  40. I'll Uber to your place so you have to drive or cue up and pay for a ride. I'll take you to Taco time, exclaim loudly "these tacos are so yummy and authentic. And golly so spicy" as I dab my forehead. Now that I'm nice and sweaty, I'm going to complain about walking anywhere, especially if it has any incline or hill or steps. I'll whine "all the movies are too liberal leaning" while in line for tickets at SiFF. I'll TikTok immediately after, ranting about the movies bias while using antique offensive euphemisms and making sure to get your face in the video. Don't worry, I'll be sure to tag you and the location in the hashtags. Next up, let's go on a Ghost Tour .... I'm gonna complain about how cold it is and whine we should have gone on the Duck boat tour.

  41. True story, I went there for a first date because I met the person randomly in person the day of, we had been hanging out for hours, it was a weeknight and we were starving at 1:30am and the only place that was open was a pho place in little Saigon. A homeless man completely strung out on something walked through the door while we were sitting eating our food and the owner kicked him out and locked the door. It was definitely an interesting experience. Yes, we’re still together.

  42. Take 'em to the Taco Del Mar across from Roosevelt Station. Once the employee has recovered from shock of two people being in the place at once, order a kids meal to split. I'll pay.

  43. Find a bunch of places that were really good, that have closed down, and have not updated their status on such. Have at least one of the stops contain looking for a parking spot for about 30 min and then having to walk 2 blocks - only to just turn back as yet another destination you totally were sure of has succumbed to closure.

  44. Take your vegan date to dinner in the Space Needle and split the bill. Lettuce + onion + tomato undressed salad with an apple for dessert for at least $30 plus tip.

  45. Find a Chik-Fil-A with a long drive thru line. Angrily pull out of line 3 cars away from the order. Take a shark like drive around the Costco lot in an effort to do cheap hot dogs.

  46. Drive down to Pike place at 3pm on a sunny Saturday in the summer. Stop in for a coffee at the original Starbucks and then a quick bite at Piroshky Piroshky. Once we're done, walk down to the Great Wheel for a ride. Once we're done there, follow it up with dinner at the McDonald's on 3rd.

  47. I used to wait at 12th and Jackson sometimes to pick up a friend’s son from school. I felt unsafe with the windows up and doors locked on my car. One drugged up woman thought I was there to sell her drugs one time bc I was sitting in my car, just waiting for my friend’s son. 😬

  48. I would go under the 1-5 underpass encampment before the bridge and lick the ground, then probably crawl on all fours through pikes place during lunch rush, and then go do a east lake water tasting

  49. Or go to the old standby and just go to cheese cake factory. Can spend a solid 30 mins looking over the menu and then when the food comes complain about how terrible it is. Shared misery, great conversation starter and your done. No need for your cousin to call you about your aunt Hilda’s medical emergency

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