Mom begs me to make plans then does this....context in comments

  1. Context: had an awful lunch with my mom and brother a month ago which I posted about. Following that my mom sent me lots of waify messages and even a letter asking to please meet for coffee. She’ll come to a town near me (30 min train ride - my mom NEVER goes anywhere). I eventually agreed and we confirmed we’d meet tomorrow before my hair appointment. Haven’t heard a word off her all week so I sent her the message pictured. Totally as expected she feigned ignorance. Now she’s making me feel guilty asking me a million questions about how she organises a train ticket, what time should she get the train, are the trains regular. I said to her that she is the one who asked to come here, I never expected her to travel. I’m happy to reorganise she just needs to say directly what works best for her. Instead she keeps waifing saying “I will come but are you sure you want to see me? I understand if not”. She’s trying to get me to cancel so she doesn’t have to. Now she’s saying she’s going to get to the train station for 6am so she can get a ticket as doesn’t know how to do it online. I’m so frustrated. What should I do?

  2. You say “Mom, you’re smart and I’m sure you can figure it out. If you need to call the train station I’m sure they can help you better than I can.”

  3. I would send her a link to the train timetables and a link to where she can buy tickets online, but not do it for her. Then, if she feigns helplessness after you have given her a reasonable amount of help for an adult, it is not your problem. If she goes to the train station at 6 AM anyway and tries to bring it up at lunch, just say ‘I sent you a link to do it online,’ and change the subject. I just did something similar with my mom this week and it worked; I gave her just enough help that she couldn’t waif without doing the thing she was waifing about for her.

  4. I sent her the link previously but she “can’t” do it. I also reiterated that I don’t expect her to travel and would be happy to reschedule. It really drives me insane that she begs to come and visit then pretends to forget and makes me feel like shit.

  5. My mother does this crap all the time and I just cancel for her. I guess I'm doing the dirty work for her but I don't have the energy

  6. So typical. I’m sorry as this is the sorta thing that would really get to me. At this point though instead of trying to “fix” the situation with clarification and details I just nope out with a “it looks like this would be best to reschedule. Let’s try nailing down a date after XX day.” I used to think that was too harsh but honestly it has worked wonders on the BPD folks in my life. They either stop pushing the issue or get serious because they know I have a low tolerance for ”miscommunication” aka their indecisive antics.

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