Should I (28F) ask my boyfriend (30M) to do a STD test again before our marriage?

  1. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.

  2. You are focused on the wrong aspects of this issue. You have dated for 2 years, broken up, and gone weeks without speaking. That is a bigger issue than STDs or even his "faithfulness" during those times. FYI if you aren't speaking or seeing each other, you aren't really "going out." You don't trust him to have not had sex or to tell you if he did. That is huge. Like insurmountably huge.

  3. This some people have sex drives and some dont some people like it some people dont. It would be unfair to your bf or future husband and yourself to be married and have no chemistry in the bedroom. Heres my issue the guy has a big sex drive i assume since she is worried about him “cheating” and op just doesnt like it. What is she gunna expect her husband to just deal with it. Because i have a feeling if op is the sex until after marriage ideal (which nothing is wrong with that) then she will frown upon masturbation and porn if their sex drives dont match. Which will cause divorce.

  4. This^ especially if you are unfamiliar with your own body, you likely will find it way less pleasurable since you don’t even know what feels good, or how to finish yourself. If you can’t finish on your own, its likely it’ll be harder to finish with a partner because you don’t know how to make yourself feel good, so you can’t guide him.

  5. I appreciate you bringing up that she might not even like sex but you should also at least mention that he may not satisfy her either. Just because he’s had partners before doesn’t mean he automatically does foreplay or knows anything about making women feel good. It’s way more dangerous for women to go into relationships blind about sex as theyre usually the ones who don’t get pleasured (hint hint, reason for many dead bedrooms). Their husband just finishes and rolls over.

  6. I just want to say that your second paragraph is huge. As a woman in my thirties that started having sex in my teens.... It took me 15 years to even like having sex and having regular orgasms from a partner.

  7. Another consideration I had along these lines: If you get all the way to 28 without having sex, do you even *have* a sex drive? I waited til 18, but definitely would have jumped into it sooner if I hadn't been too busy with work and school.

  8. I agree with you on the first part but I think its pretty insensitive towards her to make such assumptions about her sexual wellbeing after marriage. It's a personal choice just as much as it is to have sex casually and tbh, if her boyfriend/fiance truly did wait for her until marriage I don't see why they wouldn't be able to get over that hill together.

  9. Are you sure you’re compatible? 2 years and multiple breakups without speaking for weeks doesn’t sound like a stable relationship.

  10. Tell me you're getting married so you can have sex without telling me you're getting married so you can have sex

  11. Every “ask a divorce lawyer” compilation I’ve ever seen has suggested never wait till marriage to have a sex bc it just creates more problems. Threads created by ppl who waited till marriage to have sex had an overwhelming agreement that waiting till marriage was not only a bad idea but lead to many divorces

  12. you should not marry someone you do not trust enough to take them at their word. why would you marry someone when your trust in them is already on shaky ground? so you ask him to get an STI panel done. it comes back clean. does that mean he didn’t cheat? no. because he could have cheated and sought treatment. so once again, you’re back in the original position of either trusting his word or not trusting his word. if it’s the latter, why the fuck would you marry him?!!!?!

  13. because she clearly wants to get married to have sex, she just hasn't dated enough people to know this guy isn't it.

  14. Well, if he is your boyfriend and he already did a test, he should have been faithful. And would still be clean.

  15. A negative STI test does not indicate faithfulness for two years. It's possible to cheat on your girlfriend without getting an STI and it's also possible to get multiple STIs over that time period and have them cleared up by now.

  16. No, this is not true. Although he’d most likely also have symptoms, there are STIs that will not show up if they are dormant. They also don’t always test for ALL STIs unless you specifically ask for it.

  17. His old ways? Good god girl, it’s one thing to want to wait for marriage for yourself. It’s a totally different thing to act like people who don’t wait are somehow below you like you’re some saint. He openly told you his sexual past and you make it out like he’s prostituted himself out.

  18. You read my mind. This is a recipe for disaster. And if you're 28 and haven't sobered up to the "no sex before marriage" thing, you're dooming your relationships unless you find someone with your exact demeaning beliefs, which she didn't.

  19. Why don’t you just be honest with the person you’re considering marrying (trust me if you can’t be honest with each other DONT get married). Why don’t you just ask him “when we fought, did you sleep with anyone”? If he says yes then You can ask for another test. But if he says no and you trust him; save him some of your distrust unless he HAS actually done something that makes you not trust him. But If you can’t talk to him, let him go.

  20. Not for nothing, and this is all on point advice I agree with. But I think it’s really important for anyone reading these comments to clarify: false negatives are a thing.

  21. You’re not asking because you fear for your health. You’re asking cuz you don’t trust your boyfriend. If I was him I would take great offense to this. You mentioned fighting badly and not talking for weeks. He too could have similar thoughts of you cheating but he rightfully kept his mouth shut as he has no proof. If you have no proof of cheating then you are just being paranoid for no reason. This is the problem with being someone with ideals different than your own. You’re always gonna question whether they are being honest with you and that’s not fair to either of you.

  22. The tricky thing is that you're saying you feel like he might have cheated, and he will take offense. So yes you can ask but you should preface that you don't want any baggage from what might have happened during your relationship and you know the two of you have had ups and downs and stuff might have happened, and knowing that you'd like him to get tested. But he might come back and say, "How dare you suggest I cheated." It is a tricky thing. It's reasonable to ask but be prepared for a bad reaction. Still very reasonable to ask.

  23. imo it is well worth the risk, because if she doesn’t ask, it will always be on her mind and she won’t be able to fully trust him.

  24. I’m assuming you want him to get tested again because during these last two years you have broken up during a relationship and you worry that he was having sex with someone else. I think addressing that is more important before getting married. But yes, you are totally allowed to ask him to get tested before you get married. And even once you’re married, whether it’s to him or someone else it’s really wise to continue to get annual STD testing done yourself. You can incorporate it in with your yearly Pap smear.

  25. If you got to do all that end the relationship doesn’t sound very stable anyway, I don’t think you’re asking because of your health you’re asking him to do it cause you don’t trust him obviously

  26. You have had multiple blow out fights that resulted in weeks of silence in a 2 year relationship? Oh honey, this is a terrible relationship and you both have atrocious communication skills, AND you don't trust him. Those problems don't go away when you say your vows, they amplify. If you really want to continue a relationship with this man then you both need to go to couples counseling to develop healthy communication skills.

  27. Being in a relationship of only 2 years and having had such bad fights where you don’t speak for weeks (sounds like breaks in an on/off relationship) sounds like you’re rushing into marriage so you can have sex, not because you believe this is a solid, durable foundation with someone you trust and can build on.

  28. In only 2 years you’ve broken up multiple times? Why get married? It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. How are you gonna make it the next 50 years together if you haven’t even successfully handled 2 years? Also I know it’s probably due to religious reasons, but I don’t understand why some people want to wait until marriage. My mom used to say “you always test drive a car before you buy it.” And I agree. Sexual incompatibility is a big reason for failed relationships. It’s important to find someone with a similar sex drive to yours.

  29. If you don't trust him to be faithful, you shouldn't get married. Trust is a huge thing in marriage. If you ask him for an STD test, it will break that trust. Think very hard about this before you ask.

  30. Do not marry someone who you have had ups and downs with over the last two years. Didn't speak for weeks? That shows a an inability to communicate.

  31. Most of these comments are silly. If he really loves her, it is possible he respected her values and abstained from sex during their relationship. It’s not necessary that he was always cheating. He was honest in the beginning, did you ask him if he slept with other people during your fights/breakups? If so, I would definitely recommend doing a second std test, while communicating that you’re just scared because of the past breakups and you just want to be sure for your peace of mind. If he’s been faithful, he should have no issue agreeing to the test. Just be sure you’re compatible for marriage. I’ve had a 2 year relationship with a lot of fights and breakups where we didn’t speak but in the end were able to communicate honestly and have a really happy almost too perfect marriage for 3 years now, besides our 2 years of dating but every relationship is different!

  32. If my girlfriend asked me to get a STD test I would take that as her either implying that she thinks I am a cheater or that she doesn't trust me at all.

  33. You two aren’t compatible. At the very least, there’s no trust here, warranted or not. And I assure you that he could be getting his fill on the side and pass STI tests.

  34. My honest advice here? Wait a bit more to get married. You have been together less than two years, have had periods of not speaking to each other for WEEKS in that time, and you don't trust him to have not cheated on you. That doesn't sound like a good foundation for a marriage. Less than two years is pretty short compared to this decision that will affect the rest of your life.

  35. I feel horrified of how everyone is just thinking that you did something wrong to wait. Not at all. Sexuality is to be felt freely. It's totally part of your freedom to start it when you want. You do not need "training" that sound horrible. You will feel what you need to feel in your own rhythm. There is no such thing as needing training. You will learn and feel your way, no need to rush and anything.

  36. Just great. You are mad, woman. And no, thia is not a great idea. You have broken up several times during 2 years. You enforce these BS rules on him, yet you do not actually trust him not to have cheated. Stop this before you actually are both tied into the situation

  37. No. If you still don’t trust him, why are you trying to marry him? And also, take into consideration how he’s going to feel getting asked for another STD test when you haven’t had sex. You’re automatically assuming he’s been unfaithful and he might not like that.

  38. I don’t think you are ready for marriage if you don’t trust your partner- the reason why you want this STD test done. You need good communication to have a good marriage. For the rest, that is your choice, but I will say if he had been true to you, he must love you an awful lot.

  39. Not being intimate with your partner before marriage is kind of a recipe for disaster. Where are those beliefs coming from ? (True question). It’s totally against common sense; sex is part of life and part of relationships.

  40. Yes I think you should ask him to take another STD test it’s a new mile stone in your relationship marriage is a very special thing all the best

  41. “Going back to his old ways” you mean having sex like a normal adult 😩😩😩 the judgement coming from this post is wild

  42. What is the point though? If he does an STD test and it comes back negative I guess that only proves he didn't get any STDs and if it comes back positive then what? You will call off the marriage or what?

  43. If you think he cheated then that’s a bigger issue to unpack. Kudos to you for following your own moral compass in relation to when you want to have sex, don’t let anyone shame you on that. However if he had a lot of casual sex and you weren’t having sex or any sexual contact with him then I would think he was getting off somehow… I would express your concerns to him about FAITHFULNESS… cause the right man for you respects your choice and is happy to comply… without cheating.

  44. I wouldn't get married until you square up your trust issues with him or vice versa. If you two aren't on the same page, there is a high likelihood of divorce.

  45. It doesn't really sound like marriage is a good idea for you two. I understand that, for you, it is the natural level of commitment you are looking for. However, two years is not very long and it sounds like those two years weren't exactly stable. I respect your choice to wait untill marriage. However, it does mean that there is a whole aspect of your relationship that you haven't even experienced yet. Based on what you do know of him, and your expereinces so far, do you really think you're prepared to make a lifelong commitment?

  46. We all like to believe marriage is a magical union were things are sacred, where relationships bloom and blossom. This'll be true for you a little bit, as you'll start having sex and sex has a tendency to smooth the rough edges.

  47. Others have said all the relevant stuff about trust. And whether or not you should get married. I won’t bother repeating that.

  48. The STD test is the least of your concerns. Don't get married it you've had as much drama in your relationship as you described.

  49. I waited to have sex until I married my husband when I was 28 and he was 29 because I have the same beliefs you do and it has been wonderful so no, you do not HAVE to have sex before marriage for it to work.

  50. You are living in a such an artificial way here and you really need to stop making something normal into an inquest into diseases and control over another person. Imo

  51. You’re focused on the wrong things. If you can go weeks without talking what the fuck are doing talking about marriage. Get out of what ever cult you’re in to make you think your virginity is the most amazing thing about life. Get your mental health right. Look after you.

  52. If you couldn't even make it 2 years without breaking up multiple times, you aren't surviving a marriage lol

  53. This whole thing started because he admitted to not practicing safe sex. From that moment, the possibility of you getting an STD was always on your mind. Who can blame you?

  54. I think that's if your thinking that, you shouldn't be marrying him and you wasted two years. But clearly getting back together wuth his each time in spite of thinking he could have slept with someone shows that you didn't care too much about wasting you time. If you were willing to stay with him all this time inspite of those things I'm not sure it it would make a difference. Being negative for std's wouldn't mean he didn't have sex with anyone else anyways. If tour concern is just that he might give you an std then sure him getting checked can prevent that.... but it doesn't mean he hasn't cheasted so 🤷‍♀️

  55. If the loves authentic their should not be a problem he should do what ever it is to satisfy you

  56. I think the whole going weeks without speaking to each other is a bigger issue than an STD test. Have you ASKED him if he was with other women? It's not cheating if you're not together, and two weeks not speaking is 100% not together.

  57. Yes, to put it simply you want to look out for both of your health and make sure your ‘special moments’ are genuinely special with no risk factors for problems

  58. Marriage is about trust and respect. If you don't trust him enough to the point where you have to ask him for an STD test, then I don't think you should be married.

  59. You may have had your ups and downs where you didnt speak to each other but did yall still consider yourselves as a couple/faithful to each other? Its a conversation you should have had. But, do you trust him to not have done those kind of things with other ppl while youve been together? You cant have a good/lasting marriage where there isnt any trust. Has he said he has remained faithful? Even still, you jave doubts that their may be an std- what does this say for a future marriage?..Marriages also have ups and downs- sadly a ring and paper does not always mean that someone is not going to step out on their partner- its sad and unfortunate but this is something you are already having doubts about due to the fact of your past arguements/ups and downs whatever you want to call it...what happens if you have some kind of confrontation after you are married...Will you request a test then as well? You are starting this out with distrust already..think about your future and the feelings you have right now.

  60. I’d ask him to test again. You guys had periods of weeks without talking… weird. I mean that doesn’t guarantee anything in the realm of him not being with other women during that time as there are condoms and also many people are clean… but at least you will know you aren’t going to be exposed to something that could render you sterile, make you sick the rest of your life, etc…

  61. Ask him to take an std test, because yes it will be uncomfortable but you were separated. Don't accuse or get upset. Casually mention it to him, say you think he should get it if he was with others during your breaks ups but you don't want to know he even got the test unless something comes back positive. If it's something you have to know though you'll need a more serious and straight forward discussion.

  62. Have you asked him if he had sex with anyone else while you guys weren’t speaking ? Your morals don’t match so that could cause problems down the line with having kids, raising kids etc. you shouldn’t feel bad for asking him to have a std test, everyone should get tested no matter what.

  63. Trust is the foundation of a stable loving relationship. It doesn’t sound like you trust your fiancé. Another STD test is not going to prove if he cheated. Is it possible your motivation for wanting another STD test is to try and prove if he was with other people whilst you were apart?

  64. All I can say is that if he truly loves and cares about you, then I think he should do a second test. Just let him know that it isn't about trust, it's about peace of mind.

  65. It's a bigger issue that you can't trust him. An STD test will not prove or disprove infidelity, and what will keep you from asking again after marriage?

  66. Considering they have had a sexless marriage, they're isn't a way to not make it sound like she thinks he had sex since the start of their relationship.

  67. Don’t get married, you don’t trust this guy after 2 years of commitment and no sex ,save him the trouble and let him go to someone who will value him, besides he’s cheated on you already ,he was very sexually active b4 u N all the sudden he’s going to wait 2 years, hell no and to solidify my suspension,you still don’t trust him but you’ll still want to continue the marriage thing 🤨 You’re not compatible ( Good luck,

  68. Some people can give up sex for someone. And there is masturbation. And they technically broke up for a few weeks so if the guy had sex when they fought didnt speak for weeks then its not technically cheating. Very toxic relationship eitherway due to no trust

  69. Honey, I’ll be honest I don't think this is the man for you. This relationship doesn't seem compatible, and you shouldn't marry someone you don't trust. I understand that waiting is important to you, but sexual compatibility is essential, especially when your partner is already sexually experienced. I know of so many who regret not having sex before marriage because they were disappointed with the outcome. This is a recipe for disaster.

  70. OP, I think an on and off relationship where you worry he cheated isn't a good recipe for a marriage. What's the longest you've actually been together, without a break?

  71. How do you know you are sexually compatible if you do not have sex? Bs. They will have a dead bedroom and it is literally all OP's fault

  72. If you’re concerned ask him too. He shouldn’t have anything to hide. Just a heads up though being with someone with an extensive past and the other person not having any can be problematic. Porn, lack of experience and living up to someone’s idea of how it’s suppose to be can really hard to get past.

  73. Please just don't get married to this person. You were likely right when you believed you were incompatible if you're not speaking to each other for weeks.

  74. I think you should be asked to do a virginity test to confirm you are a virgin. Simply saying so is clearly not enough proof.

  75. Obviously I don’t know you or your relationship but, please hear me when I say you deserve better!! A marriage should not start with relationship issues. Marriage will make the issues bigger not solve them. There is better out there. It is possible to be in love and be treated properly! It is possible to thrive and be 100% sure in yourself and them. If you have doubts, they won’t go away. Those doubts will fester and before you know it, you believe you are paranoid but in reality you just finally see the truth.

  76. You cant marry someone who you think should take an STD test before your marriage. If you were in a relationship worthy of marriage you wouldn't have any suspicions whatsoever of his faithfulness, or at least his genital diseases.

  77. If you ask for this test, don’t say a word if he requests a dna test later without justification (just like you’re doing now). Also, a positive test does not necessarily indicate he cheated. Somethings lie dormant for many years and other things are not tested for anyway. Basically, he may carry something and not know it.

  78. Sounds like you really don't need to get married . If you have an "up and down" relationship now , it will only be compounded and made worse after marriage . STD test won't work for herpes either . That takes a blood test and that's not completely accurate .

  79. I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like it would be a good marriage if that's how you spent it for 2 years. There's no doubt he went back to his old ways.

  80. Hahaha...28 year old virgin, eh? Good for you, holding onto your "flower". You should be rightly suspicious of all men, especially your BF since he admits to having been such a libertine and raconteur. I say two STD tests! And...a lie detector test! Plus..a shrubbery! Otherwise, give him the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! Huzzah!

  81. Well fam if you had to go on here to ask this question you must already know the answer. Get a new man. Your a virgin your like a high valued unicorn. You’ll find another guy. Move on fam

  82. Hey OP, not sure if you'll see this but I understand you. I myself am a 23f virgin who believes sex is for after marriage and my ex was 36m with a long list of female partners. if you can trust him, ask him if he did sleep with anyone else. say you only care for the disease aspect, and will take him no matter what. here if you need a friend 🤍

  83. It's not normal to have such big fights you go weeks without speaking to your partner. Not the sign of a 'relationship' that should end in marriage that's for sure. And its daft not to have sex before marrying, you have no idea if you're going to be incompatible, and then what? Divorce immediately? I'm guessing you don't want that either.

  84. Yeah just don’t think you’re going to use it as evidence of cheating as, depending on the std type he could just do the cure and retest and show you those new results. Are you going to have your doctor perform the virgin test and show him your results too? Jk…

  85. Do you fully trust him, if he has been faithful and you ask him then he will feel that you have never trusted him. There is no easy way for you to ask him without him being offended, trust is a big thing in a relationship, but your about to marry him and this shows you don't fully trust him, you think he has cheated on you. Not a good way to go into a marriage doubting your soon to be spouse.

  86. You've fought and didn't talk for weeks?? Don't get married. One or both of you are still too immature. If you don't know how to communicate now, it's not magically going to happen when you're married. You need more time/work.

  87. Is there any evidence that he has cheated? Bc if there is not, this would be an upsetting accusatory request if you have been exclusive for 2 years that would lead to unnecessary drama

  88. You shouldn't marry him if you think he may have cheated on you. Either you trust him enough to be honest with you, and you should marry him and you don't need an STD test. Or you don't, in which case you should not marry him. Now that's not to say that you shouldn't ask for a test because it's pretty harmless in theory. But asking for a test doesn't fix the fact that you don't trust him. Which is why it doesn't sound like you're ready to marry him. Those are two separate issues. I'm not discouraging STD testing under any circumstances, but I am discouraging marrying someone who you think you need to make that request of.

  89. You need therapy not a marriage home girl if you think a marriage between people who can't stay together for 2 years without going weeks without talking will be successful.

  90. This is akin to a man requesting a paternity test of his wife. Go ahead and ask, but be prepared when your lack of trust in him blows your relationship up. This is a "you" problem, and I'd strongly suggest you figure out another way to come to grips with it than by potentially blowing up your relationship.

  91. They can have sex within the confines of her beliefs. I knew so many kids who married young and fast just to have sex, and they were always so sanctimonious about it. Some even more so after the first… and sometimes second… divorce.

  92. So my immediate first thought here is that if you need to ask him for that you don’t trust him enough to be getting married to him. I have never (since our initially std testing) have ever felt a need to ask my husband to get retested. Sure at any point in our relationship since that initial test he could have cheated on me, but I trust him and have no reason to believe he did. If you don’t trust your boyfriend like that, perhaps he’s not the person you should be marrying.

  93. Some STDs have an incubation period and might not show up on a test. You can tell him that and ask him to test again just to be sure. You don’t have to make it about you thinking he’s cheating.

  94. I will just say as an adult the conversation about getting tested really shouldn't be a hard one. It's like in sex ed when they say "if you can't just talk about sex then you shouldn't be having it." Being regularly tested is a normal healthy part of being an adult, especially for a sexually active adult.

  95. if you have to question if he needs an STD test before you get married, then the answer is yes. always choose the safe way before you commit.

  96. If you are worried that your fiance has cheated on you, why would you even be marrying him? It's clear that you don't trust him and, after 14 years of marriage, I have found that trust is a key component to a healthy relationship. I think you're putting the cart before the horse by planning to marry him while you are concerned he has cheated AND contracted an STD while doing so. If you want to be successful in marriage, you should at least find a couples counselor before you even set a wedding date.

  97. You guys are not compatible. Your relationship is rocky and you don’t share the same values. If you’d like to go ahead and marry someone who doesn’t share your values be my guest. But I can’t imagine with the trust issues that you two have that this will be a happy and faithful marriage. You need to date men that have your values. This guy isn’t it.

  98. Obviously you don’t trust him, so why exactly are you considering marriage with him? This is the reason divorce rates are so high, smh

  99. If you really think he could have cheated during those weeks of radiosilence, do you even trust him? Why would you want to marry someone you don't trust?

  100. no need to get married here just to go through the eventual divorce- this ine scream's incompatibility- at some point you will withhold sex for some discretion and he will rebel and on and on and on....its a common pattern.

  101. Girl if you are even considering that he would need an STD test before getting married to him... YOU SHOULDN'T BE MARRYING HIM. Obviously you don't trust him, you SHOULD NOT be building a future with someone you don't trust.

  102. You can but don't be upset if he refuses. Personally if you haven't been watching porn and reading magazines and are ready to do a lot of things you don't value I wouldn't o through with the marriage. I'm not trying to be mean or demeaning here but I was very active before my first marriage. My first wife was very mild about sex and only had 1 partner. We had a decent intimate relationship before we moved in together and got married. I have a high sex drive like a lot of men. She was willing to do positions and stuff when we dated but after marriage it was missionary and pretty love less. It got to where I resented her as the breadwinner, dad, and housekeeper not getting laid and she resented me for wanting to have sex and she was focusing on a career. It didn't last.

  103. I mean... You could ask him for one, but question though? Those times when you weren't speaking, was it just the silent treatment or were you broken up?? You're worries that he cheated on you, so I'm just questioning where's the faith in him or your relationship?

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