Bf not feeling sad whatsoever after my abortion, just living life. Makes me want to break up with him

  1. The way he spoke to you shows me that he can’t even handle his own emotions and therefore supporting you is too much for him. His behaviour doesn’t mean that he isn’t grieving but his lack of ability to be there for you during an emotionally and physically tough time is fucked up. If a person is uncomfortable with their own feelings/can’t process them they’re always going to make you feel like shit for simply having feelings/emotions. I am so sorry you are experiencing this right now and you deserve so much better.

  2. I completely agree w the other comment. It’s not about him not being sad, it’s his complete lack of support. You just went through something super traumatic and he only cares about his vacation.

  3. Extra messed up because he is the one who put her in that position in the first place and has no empathy for what she is going through.

  4. You sabotage Every good moment he has? Obviously an exaggeration and a really crappy response. You are suffering for something you both did TOGETHER and he's acting like he has nothing to do with the abortion. This guy is the pinnacle of self centeredness. You deserve better. I zg GC in you get support from friends and cut this AH loose!

  5. I'd be breaking up with him simply for abandoning you to a vacay when you're going through one of the most stressful and sad times of your life. He'd be done.

  6. I had an abortion a few years ago, I was very sad for a couple of months, couldn't even go near schools or parks because it made me cry. My partner didn't feel sad I don't think, we both knew it was the right thing to do. But he did support the hell out of me. Listened whenever I needed to talk, cuddled me non stop, over fed me on compliments til my head was the size of France. The sadness went away eventually, leading me to believe it was at least partly because my hormones were turned upside down and inside out. I hope you can somehow get through to your partner that he needs to care about your happiness more. You deserve that, you've been through some seriously horrible **** :( xx

  7. So the issue here is that he isn’t being supportive of how you’re feeling. He isn’t grieving because he’s not sad. He clearly feel relieved and you can’t control how another person feels in response to something like this. You can only control your own actions here.

  8. Him not feeling sad isn't a big deal, in my opinion. If he didn't want it then he wouldn't have felt any attachment to it, and he isn't the one dealing with all the hormones either.

  9. First things first: I am so sorry you’re going through this… it was a HUGE decision, and one that isn’t made lightly. You are more brave and stronger than you realize right now.

  10. He talks to you like crap when he should be supporting you now in particular because of what you have been through. I would break up with him. He's self-centred and it will continue this way for the rest of the relationship.

  11. I disagree that you both went through a mass trauma or that this is something to inherently be sad about. Most people feel relief after an abortion, and that might just be all he felt about it, figures its done, bullet dodged and nothing to be upset about.

  12. This is where I’m at. For some people, abortion is absolutely not a trauma/something to be sad about and I think that’s ok for them.

  13. Whoa. I think I'd gather up my stuff and ghost that guy. I hope you have some friends or family to lean on for a minute, or as long as you need, of course. That guy sounds like the worst. Bringing him down??? What in the actual fuck???

  14. In a way you must see this as an out. honestly , this guy sounds absolutely heartless . You made a very painful but clearly correct decision. I think if he had any empathy for you and what you had to go through at the very least physically , he should be sad , let alone the fact that you both almost had a child together . This should be a shared experience and grief for a couple , any partner who wouldn’t share in this also wouldn’t share in care during pregnancy or parenting . it’s not only your issue , men who think abortions are like having a cold or stubbing your toe can walk off a cliff . It’s a huge deal and I’m rooting for your happiness , take it each day as it comes . It does start to feel better in time , from personal experience.

  15. I went through a very hard time around december, where i would just spend days and days hurting in my room and not even going to class. Whenever i opened up to my ex he would dismiss everything i felt and tell me i was annoying and boring for always complaining and not being able to work it out. I felt like if i were to lose him i'd have nobody so i didnt leave him at the time. But boy does apathy from somebody you care destroy you on the long term.

  16. I mean, I don't think it's necessary for him to grieve? Some people just don't care. However, I do think him accusing you have of trying to sabotage him and his happiness or whatever is a pretty garbage thing to do when you've expressed to him how mentally unwell you are at the moment. I would try expressing that to him and,if he doesn't react well, maybe he ain't the one.

  17. It isn’t necessarily messed up that he doesn’t feel sad or emotional about your abortion. People process things differently.

  18. This man has clearly told you he doesn't care about your feelings at all, and will not support you when you're down. That is not healthy partner material.

  19. Honestly after reading how he responded to you telling him you're not doing great I wasn't even interested in how he was grieving or not. There is No EXCUSE for someone telling another person 'you only tell me this to bring me down' or 'you ruin everything for me'. I can't imagine ever responding that way to anyone I care about, friend or partner. How long have you been together? I'd say it's time to cut your losses and move on.

  20. He sounds like a jerk. It's not necessary he grieves but he needs to be supportive of your feelings and what you have both been through. Take this as a sign to leave. He shows he is some one who will not support you during difficult times.

  21. To the curb! I get that its not the same experience for men as it is for woman but he's being an insensitive selfish ass. Don't worry about his feelings, he's not worried about yours. You deserve better than he's capable of. You made a difficult choice that involves him no matter how checked out he is about it.

  22. I don't think there's any reason for him to be sad about the abortion, but he definitely should support you and have more empathy.

  23. This isn’t about his emotions. This is about you wanting support while you work through yours. It’s not at all extra to want to end the relationship at this point. He’s immature and obviously the one who is self-centered.

  24. It’s not wrong or extra to want to leave him, you can leave him for any reasons whatsoever but I will say you do need to adjust your mindset a little. Not everyone is going to be sad about an abortion, the 2 most common feelings are either sadness or relief/happiness. Me personally would be ecstatic after one because I do not want kids and his feelings aren’t wrong as it doesn’t seem like he considers a first trimester fetus to be a kid and didn’t seem to want a kid rn anyways. What’s definitely not okay is his lack of support for you right now, he doesn’t have to be as sad as you and not everyone is great at comforting others but his dismissal of your emotions and telling you to figure it out by yourself shows his immaturity. A partner should support you when needed even if they don’t feel the same or are supportive of the decision. I do recommend leaving him op as he doesn’t seem like a very good partner but I will say you do need to try and look things at a more emphatic viewpoint. It’s not always easy especially with you grieving and it’s more than normal to be upset even if it’s not rational but it is never someone else’s fault for not feeling a certain way, everyone processes emotions differently and for all you know the other person could be feeling the same but reacting differently. Good luck op and I’m truly sorry for your loss and wish you the best in the next steps of your life

  25. I would be less concerned with how he isn’t feeling sad after the abortion and more concerned with the way he talked to you. He was speaking down to you and really rude and just mean. That’s not cool at all. I could understand if he wasn’t as upset as you are about the abortion, but he just totally blows you off and puts you down. And he doesn’t care that you’re upset. You deserve a lot better, especially after going through what you just went through. That’s not a good partner.

  26. Girl- he's literally into you for sex only. Nothing more. Get out, be alone, learn to love yourself, and find someone that loves you almost as much as you love yourself. That will be someone that will agree with you, fight fairly with you, and support you... You need that because this excuse for a partner, is a GIGANTIC douche.

  27. I disagree. He likely wants her to attend to his needs in other ways as well. Men like this sometimes marry and have kids but then get jealous of the baby because mommy's attention in not 100% on him to cater to his needs any more.

  28. So at 16-17 my gf at the time got pregnant and we went though the process for the abortion. It surprised me how emotional it was for her, to the point of throwing up constantly afterwards. She was a reck - I could have handled it ALOT better, but I was only 16. Think I was more relieved it was over than emotional about it. Felt almost surreal, the whole situation. It's different when it's happening to your partner vs happening to you. She broke up with me about a month afterwards.

  29. Girl this man just got a new lease on life after going thru temporary hell with thoughts that he might have been shackled to you and a kid he likely didnt even want for life. I give advice straight no chaser so that way there is no room for you to be in denial about his reaction to what you went through. He didnt experience a loss when you got the abortion. YOU did. As far as he is concerned, he won. So yeah, if i were you I would dump him.

  30. It was mutual but he went through most of the loopholes. Signed me up for the appointment, figured out which abortion I should choose, paid for it, etc. I wanted it too considering my age and the financial standing I’m at rn but it’s just been harder on me I think.

  31. I’m sorry you are grieving. That’s a very normal reaction. You made a choice, like all of us do, about whether to have a child now. Your choice was probably very different from his. Sounds like he feels like he dodged a bullet so it’s not the same. If he’s not being supportive, knowing how you feel, that gives you a lot of info about your relationship. None of it good.

  32. It's hard to say until he comes back. He may be grieving his own way but he may not be able to emphasize with you since he did not experience the pregnancy or abortion. Some people are like that..

  33. Fuck him. You can do way better than him if you ask me… he sounds selfish and manipulative… your intuition is correct!!!! Good luck w everything love, sorry you are going through this 🥺

  34. You feel how you feel about it. He doesn’t get to diminish your feelings about this any more than any other event that might happen in your life. Not only does his response communicate that the situation didn’t affect him the same way, he’s communicating that he is unwilling to set aside any time to be there for you. Ok. He’s on a trip, but he could be emotionally available for an hour here or there until he gets back. This is a big, red flag to me. It is a significant emotional event and he is not there for you. Period. That could be a very lonely life.

  35. That is very sad. I am sorry that you had to go through this, life sucks, we have to make hard choices. He should've been supportive and be there for you.

  36. I’d worry less about how he’s feeling and more about his reaction when you told him how you feel. Complete and utter lack of empathy, frustration that you’re “bringing him down” rather than being there to support you.

  37. If you're not feeling mentally good and he doesn't understand it I think it's time to let him go

  38. Good thing you didn't have a baby with this uncaring boy. Not grieving the baby is pretty normal for a man. Pregnancy is rather theoretical until they can feel it kicking. But being so cold and uncaring to you, and to make it all about him is horrible.

  39. The way he responded was really insensitive. I feel like you both are probably having a lot of feelings about it (you definitely moreso, because your hormones are also pretty wonky at the moment) so I think like put it on ice and ask him if he even meant that stuff when he comes back. Sometimes guys take awhile to understand their feelings, maybe he had a spontaneous reaction to it and decided to be a jerk. I’m not saying it’s okay because it’s not, but I wouldn’t assume how strongly anyone feels until you’ve had a full conversation face to face about it

  40. OK. First, absolutely what he said was completely uncalled for and just mean. The things he said to you would be honestly reason enough to break up with him. But, there is more to the story, and I feel because of what happened you deserve more than that.

  41. This is exactly what I was thinking. I dont think he's not grieving because he doesnt care, it sounds like he's trying really really hard to not grieve because he doesn't want to feel the pain yet. He's trying to push all that down especially while he's out with friends and wants to appear normal. He's mad that you're making him confront feelings he isn't ready to face. I don't think you need to break up with him over this. You need to let him grieve on his own time and talk to him when he's ready. In the meantime, you'll need to get your support elsewhere

  42. As a doctor, I have never been sad after abortions. I don't really think of unborn fetuses(particularly in the initial weeks) as human.

  43. Oh you should absolutely leave him Him not being sad is fine. Him not being supportive is terrible. Him being actively mean to you because you are hurting and seeking support is disgusting and cruel.

  44. He's the type of man YOU DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO RAISE YOUR FUTURE KIDS WITH. He's cold, insensitive and COMPLETELY INDIFFERENT. Please, DUMP HIM. But do talk to a professional about your experience not just with the abortion, but by being with someone so heartless. I don't want you to be with another guy JUST LIKE HIM. I have heard way too many stories of women not dealing with their traumas as they should, and being with THE SAME TYPE OF MEN that keep destroying their self-worth.

  45. I don’t understand what there is to grieve over if you don’t view it as a human life. He thinks it’s nothing so it’s natural for him to not care about it. You on the other hand seem to at least subconsciously recognize that you killed your child.

  46. It's not a child, firstly. It is however a human organism and they are allowed to feel whatever feelings come up for them. They may be grieving over the fact that they weren't ready to be pregnant and they wish they were, or that they wish they were in a different circumstance. It doesn't need to be over how they view the fetus/embryo.

  47. Jesus the condescension here lol. You believe in your religion, don’t try to force your religious guilt on other people. She never said she feels guilty just sad, those are two very different things. You can be sad about something without feeling that you did anything wrong lmao. You keep being a good little Christian though

  48. So when a man and a woman are in a relationship, the woman is supposed to suffer in silence so as to never bring the man down, is that the premise?

  49. Unpopular opinion here, but he probably sees it as you've both made your bed so lay in it. It probably wasn't a wanted pregnancy so why would he put any value into it and probably can't understand why you'd put any value into the abortion since you made the choice? It's a choice you made at the end of the day because you didn't want the baby. You're entitled to feel sad but doesn't mean he has to show any support because it's not a tragedy. It was a choice.

  50. It's okay for him not to feel sad. You feel how you feel; it's not something you can control. The lack of support is not okay though, and if he really did say those things he was being downright cruel.

  51. Guys tend not to be as emotionally attached to babies until they are out in the world. So he probably want grieving nearly as much as you.

  52. people grieve differently just remember that when my gram died i didn’t cry for 2 years. i lived like she was still here when i had my miscarriage i only cried from the pain of pushing the fetus out ik that’s touchy and i’m super sorry for that but i’m just trying to give an example. anyway after i didn’t cry about it i lived my life only recently cried from that. i’m super sorry to hear but also it seems like he’s wither not showing you his emotions and hiding it or pushing his emotions i definitely would try therapy. if he doesn’t even wanna try that and try and get back to where it was i would break up.

  53. This may be controversial. I was only dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. He was 25 at the time and I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant. He definitely reacted the same way... It caused alot of issues between us as I wanted to keep the baby and he wanted not to. There were many reasons to why... Of course the obvious of only dating him for a few months, being financially ready for it, some freedoms that it takes away. I think that because he was still in the mindset of wanting to live his life and achieve more it really scared him. It is a very big life changing event being pregnant and bringing a baby into the world. I am not excusing the behaviour of what he did, and the lack of support, but time was the thing that healed us and he eventually came to the realisation that he did me wrong. He is forever sorry for what he put me through and now more than 3 years along he is the greatest dad to two of our babies. I am so sorry you went through this, and are feeling by yourself with this heavy emotional weight to carry. I know that it's very hard to end things in a relationship, but time may be the thing that will bring you guys together again. I found it incredibly hard at first to come to terms with how he was treating me and wanted to end it. But I tried giving him some space and turned to other support networks in my life. He definitely reflected on what he did during the time of giving him space. It's such a daunting thing to happen to a couple, especially if one person is not ready. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this pain. It is heart breaking.

  54. I'm focused on how he spoke to you. No two people take something the same and this was your body and your choice to make. It's going to weigh harder on you. He should be, if he was worth your time, considerate enough to realize that and want to stay home with you. At the very least he should have offered his support when you reached out to him. He's not worth your time and you deserve more.

  55. Firstly I'm sorry to hear you have or are having a difficult time. This is such a complex issue, one that I have experienced myself and that I think people don't take seriously enough in long term committed relationships. These are some thoughts I have about relationships and abortion and whether or not a relationship can survive it.

  56. He’s having no compassion for the procedure/event you just went through. He should have the decency to check in on you physically/mentally. However, you being upset that he’s not upset is a bit weird. I’m assuming the abortion was because it was unwanted (correct me if it wasn’t), so why would he feel anything besides happiness that he doesn’t have to care for a pet sperm? Even if he’s happy/relived/not upset about it, he should still be taking your feelings into account and helping you heal.

  57. I can see this is messed up in many ways but for some odd reason (being a guy who's ex aborted his child) I kinda see where he is coming from. First of all people go through grief differently. I somehow feel like the guy is going through a lot of shit himself due to it, but is taking it out on OP (trying to live his normal life and not think about what happened, only to be reminded of it) which he should never do in the first place. Perhaps both OP and their SO need to seek professional help with this, as it does make you mentally unstable (I can speak from experience about that). If the SO won't go then by all means end it. Don't waste your mental health on a person who's isn't caring about yours.

  58. Sorry that you are going through this. His behavior is really uncaring and selfish. Someone who actually cared about you would not be saying things like that to you when you’re in pain. I also saw your prior post talking about how he was making insensitive jokes even before the abortion. I would not want to have anything to do with him again after this. Even if he doesn’t care about the abortion at all, if he cared about you he would respect your feelings enough not to act like this or say such things to you. Is there anyone in your life who you can reach out to for support? You aren’t alone in grieving over the abortion. Honestly from your description of things in your previous post I am concerned that it sounds like he may have pressured you to abort.

  59. There’s generally great advice here but I just want to add- you’re concerned you’ll be ‘extra’ if you break up with him. Don’t let that voice win. He might try to convince you that you’re overreacting, being dramatic, being ‘extra’ but that’s because he wants to continue doing zero emotional work. Advocating for yourself and your needs is not ‘extra’ and people who say it is value their convenience more than they value you. ❤️

  60. I have had a full term stillbirth. With that experience I can honestly tell you that men and women grieve very differently. I can’t emphasise that enough. Some men want to lock it down inside and never talk about it again. They push themselves in to their lives and work to keep it from the forefront of their mind. A lot of them don’t want to focus and circle around it. That is their right to do that. The thing with grief is, you either:

  61. Ok 1) he doesn’t feel sad because he’s not sad. That’s the truth of it. 2) emotionally it is a massive thing for a woman to go through, some men may also feel it deeply but I honestly believe women have it worse. You have every right to feel sad and terrible about this. 3) his statements to you about you telling him you’re sad just to bring him down- totally out of line, insensitive and not considerate of what you have just been through and feeling. You don’t need permission but this guy has the emotional maturity of a toddler, if this how he reacts to you after a MAJOR event in your life that concerns both of you, but affects you in a very intimate way… he’s never going to be a supportive and caring partner. Dump him.

  62. His responses are worded poorly. Personally i’d wait until he is back. Maybe he isn’t sad because he is relieved in this market he doesn’t also have to pay for baby things and not be able to travel as much???

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